Wednesday, April 23, 2008

But what have you tried? (part one)

Sometimes people want to know what I've tried, what I've tried to feel better. Back in 1996 I was still trying to find the right drug, the one that would get me high but not get me strung out I thought Special K was the answer, it was rare in San Francisco but I found a good connection. My sister wanted to buy some, I got her three bottles which was a lot and then she decided she didn't want any so I had three bottles, Chrissie Contagious moved to San Francisco and she was supposed to help me sell it but every time I came home she was doing some. One night we went to the Hole on the Wall and Chrissie picked up some guy who wanted to go to Blow Buddies I'd never been there before and back then there was a line, a long line that went all the way up the stairs. In line the boy Chrissie had picked up took out some crystal and put it on a credit card and looked at me like do you want some. I’d always thought people should do their drugs in public, so annoying when people hide so for a minute I forgot crystal was the one thing I needed to avoid at all costs, I did that bump and then clarity or whatever hit me I thought oh no I just ruined my life, well I might as well have fun. We didn't have fun at Blow Buddies, they kicked us out for being loud queens, we were making fun of all the muscled masculinity but then I did more crystal than I used to do in a month, I mean when I did crystal, did it like I was some pro and we were alternating with K and cocktails I do remember the best moment was sometime in the morning becoming afternoon or maybe it was afternoon becoming evening and I was at the End Up waiting for Chrissie to get out of a porn video but then they sent her home she was too strung out, home was the End Up we were dancing oh we were dancing it was like I was 6 feet in the air, literally 6 feet up wow I kept thinking oh, this is what it's like to be high this is what it's like to be really really high yes. And then back to the bathroom to do more and then back on the dance floor it was better than flying.

Then maybe it had been 24 hours and we were back at the Hole in the Wall, I poured a huge bump of K, a whole capful really which would usually be way way too much but I thought with all the crystal I could do more. I could sense myself falling into a K-hole almost right away but that was fine I could handle it except then the bar was closing, the staff didn't know what I was on they didn't know about K-holes they dragged me out of the bar and then it was like my head was splitting open I was on my knees on the sidewalk I couldn't get up I could feel my life slipping out of my body I was holding onto someone's hand don't let go I might lose me. A homeless guy walking by said pour cold water on him, my friends looked scared I couldn't speak I nodded it brought me down enough to get into a cab and get home.

So then I decided to stop drinking because it just made me do drugs, three cocktails was all it took for me to convince myself that of course I would do drugs even if I hadn't had anything to drink, of course! So then I figured when else will I ever not be drinking or doing drugs, I’d always thought drugs would be part of my life but now I was taking a break so I thought okay, I'm just going to go all the way and try the candida diet, since you can't do the candida diet with alcohol because the alcohol feeds the candida, so why not now? This was the candida diet where you eliminate everything pretty much everything except alkaline grains that means quinoa, buckwheat, millet, amaranth, plus steamed vegetables and flax oil and sprouted almonds, I guess you can eat meat but if you're vegan then the only heavy protein is almonds.

Then I thought since my diet will be so pure, I might as well do a food elimination diet to figure out all my allergies. I mean my diet was already pretty pure, I’d become macrobiotic recently which I know sounds strange because macrobiotics is about balance but I still did drugs, although sometimes things are strange, right? Macrobiotics was supposed to make you feel calm and energetic but I still felt terrible my digestion was awful so much bloating and gas and I was exhausted and sad and edgy and craving cocktails. So that's right -- before I tried the candida diet I tried macrobiotics which sounds pretty limiting to most people since you only eat whole grains and beans and fresh vegetables and avoid nightshades and strong spices or anything too extreme but the candida diet was much more intense, it was time to clear my body of imbalances and find out what I couldn't tolerate.

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