Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Part of feldenkrais is about finding neutral so that your body doesn't do so much work all the time, which is difficult. I mean it's difficult to find neutral, difficult because I'm used to something else the way I push my pelvis forward and stand with chest out and shoulders back like you’re taught, right? But that's too much pressure it just means more pain I mean it's what I'm used to but I guess I'm used to pain if only familiarity would rescue me. Now I find the place where my pelvis is back and my feet are under me and everything feels confusing but I guess eventually that will feel like home, safety, something stable. The other place maybe a refuge for tough times, body as a wall but then I can go back to comfort.

It's hard to find neutral with my jaw, in bed sometimes I feel like my jaw is wide open but still I'm clenching, the way I learned to hold for all those things my father would stick inside, or choke me from the outside I wanted a wall. Lying in bed sometimes it hurts just to try to let it go, maybe I'm letting it go too much but then I'm doing this exercise on the floor, where I imagine a marble rolling down my forehead between my eyes over my nose across my lips down my chin across my adam's apple over the sternum down my chest rolling over stomach to belly button and down so that it rests on the pubic bone, then back all the way up and then I imagine a ball bouncing inside my body covering the same distance and after that a paint brush going over first one half of my body and then the other -- all of this is to re-orient my body to the center and Kid Koala is giving me great sound effects from the stereo bleeps and skids and moaning horns I'm almost starting to dream and I realize my jaw is totally loose, feels like my chin hangs all the way down to my chest but when I touch my lips the gap is probably less than a half inch and my jaw feels weightless, really weightless I guess this is neutral.

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