Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The way you're filled with everything that doesn't fit

Another shower, too many showers drying out my skin but it feels so good, so good for my pain I mean there's less pain with all this heat and moisture, heat that ends as soon as I turn off the spigot that's the kind of heat I like. I'm thinking about the difference between self-imposed exile and feeling banished. Like when I'm traveling and people ask me about San Francisco, what's going on in San Francisco? And I wonder: what is going on in San Francisco?

There is that distance between what people expect and what I'm actually thinking, I mean I need to take care of myself and taking care of myself means staying home a lot so that I can do what feels best: writing. I mean to do a little of what feels best and the rest is just so I don't fall apart. There are different ways of being in public, giving a reading I feel so engaged like all the energy in the room is something that can hold me, help me until afterwards when usually I'm drained. But other types of public appearances, like when I went to that performance about the history of anti-Semitism and I didn't expect that the whole audience would be Mission scenesters, this particular brand of anarcho-art-freakshow-fashionista types, I guess it's the descendent of a culture that gave me hope and inspiration when I first moved here but now it just feels like formula branding suffocation attitude nostalgia machine. I think this is what people want to hear about, what they want to hear about in other cities when they ask me: where should we go?

I don't know where we should go. The banished part is when I actually feel like going out, out to something with music or the potential of sex, not the Mission scenester events which are too draining because of all the people I'm supposed to connect with and then I start thinking that maybe I am connecting with them but I'm not, and then I crash so hard it's too hard to stay on like that. Other places where I'm not supposed to connect, those can be okay because I've never expected anything. But then there's smoke, smoke machines and these days I don't even want to risk it -- it just seems like the most amazing thing that could possibly happen isn't worth it at all. Better just to walk around at 2 a.m. and look at people leaving places.

After the May Day reading, stepping outside into so much possibility for connection where's the connection some kind of connection and usually it doesn't happen but if I can hold all this feeling so that it surrounds me with something like a hug. But then I meet that boy at the bus stop, he's a trumpet player who's looking for musicians he says I like your getup. I guess I look like a musician. Then back at my house and remember we talk about music and sex and desire and romance and broken hearts and Christianity and porn and friendships and animals and pets and assimilation and relationships and the fleshlight. I make a lot of jokes and tell a lot of stories and usually this would drain me but remember on this night I have all that energy surrounding me like a hug I'm repeating this here for more hugs, in this case conversation as hugs yes more hugs please more hugs!

In the world I would like to create you could leave the house looking for something not just that air that hits you like a wall. Not the air but the space it creates and the way you’re filled with everything that doesn't fit. So in this world, this world I would like to create you would find what you are looking for, just a little bit maybe, maybe even a little bit of something else you didn't know you were looking for but then it all adds up.

4 comments:

trautfish said...

Y E S to more hugs, more connection, more spontaneous connection at that. I think you'll find it, seems like you have been!

ps - have you ever tried a hot towel rub? that soothes me a lot, and it can get pretty sensual.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you for that lovely Y E S, yes I like the way that looks...

A hot towel rub, no where do you get a hot towel rub? Or maybe that's me, in the shower with a hot towel?

Love --
mattilda

trautfish said...

Here goes: you grab yourself a wash cloth or small towel, drench/dip it in hot water, and rub yourself down in any way you want for like 10 minutes. It got me to be present and calm and stuff.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Hmm, well it's worth a try...

Love --
mattilda