Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What I hate the most about gay marriage

It's when there's some couple that's been together for 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 years and they're constantly saying, I mean over and over again in the press -- whatever press it is, it's over and over again: finally... it's... legitimate! I mean really, that kills me, just pulls my heart out and stomps on it with a two-by-four and throws the remnants into the compost, that really really kills me. Finally it's legitimate. I mean these people have been together for 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 years or I don't care if it's six months or three days or negative seven years, still, this is what they need to feel legitimate?

And then, of course, there's their need to feel legitimate in the first place, instead of defiant creating something else dreaming a different vision building beauty on their own terms, oh it just makes me sick. And sad, really really really sad.

11 comments:

Oli said...

Yeah, you know now that more and more people I know (I can think of one straight dear friend and *three* queer friends) are tying the knot in the variously legally-legitimated/ legitimizing ways available to them, it's all hitting home in an even more pressing way. It makes me reflect on my own love-and-devotion and the ways in which it doesn't seem to lead me towards this institution. But norms cut both ways, you know? So even though I'm saddened and kind of disgusted by the quest for Legitimation, this spectacle is still defining the edges of my own desire and relationship structure, in some ways, just because it's *not* on the table. Does that make sense?

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oli, yes that does make a lot of sense, but I would add that this assimilationist fervor limits the options for those not choosing the platinum wedding ring route, whereas unconventional ways of living and loving have the *potential* to increase the options for everyone.

Thanks so much for writing!

Love --
mattilda

The Daily Breather said...

I gotta give them credit though. They've fought so hard so long to finally beat the oppressive patriarchical system of marriage and one day, by the law of man and the grace of god, may they be able to legally and morally live out one of the cornerstones of the oppressive patriarchical lifestyle. Ahh, marriage.

oh yea, loved your article in LiP. You really threw me. Thanks.

keidy said...

If people reading your blog want to learn more about the issues surrounding gay marriage they should read your book That's Revolting. So sorry that your sad. I hope you feel better soon.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Daily breather, you said it -- and I'm glad you liked the LiP article!

And Keidy, you are my best proponent!

Love --
mattilda

michele said...

it's all starting to feel like a cult here in massachusetts. it's gross, like the pod people from that movie... you have to watch what you say and where, else you bring down the wrath of all the pro-marriage queers around you.

queers i know who work for gay rights orgs have to whisper when they want to discuss their negative feelings about gay marriage. unmarried gay/les couples are repeatedly quizzed as to why they're not married. last week after the CA news, i told an acquaintance i had mixed feelings about the "victory" and she sent me this sarcastic email with her "condolences on becoming a full citizen in two states". it still boils my brain to thikn of it. a "full citizen"! there are so many things that piss me off about that - i wouldnt know where to begin.
mattilda, i'm afraid you're going to have to gird yourself for an onslaught of marriage reverence in CA now... but maybe the queers there are more progressive/less puritanical than the ones we've got here? maybe there are enough anti-assimilation queers in CA that it won't feel like the pod people... i hope!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Michele, absolutely it has gotten more conservative here since Newsom's marriage stunt in 2004 -- luckily, there are still plenty of anti-assimilationist queers, but they are quieter and quieter...

I was just going to rant a bit about the "full citizen" bullshit too, maybe in just a few moments even...

Love from what's left of San Francisco --
mattilda

Joan Kelly said...

Ugh, the "full citizen" thing is horrible. As is the sarcasm for not being giddy about this. Gah.

Thanks for this post, Mattilda (and thanks to commenters, have liked reading what you had to say). I wrote about it at my blog the day the news broke, or day after I think. I just felt like, oh my god I am such a negative person to feel uneasy instead of like "woo hoo, this is the sound of freedom letting itself ring!!" Not so much after reading this post and talking to a couple of others...including my favorite Jess Hoffmann.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Joan, so great to hear from you -- I'm behind on your blog, so I can't wait to catch up!

And yes, the full citizen, I was just thinking about the full citizen -- I'm doing edits on So Many Ways to Sleep Badly right now, so I'm a bit behind on ranting about the full citizen...

Love --
mattilda

james said...

"more progressive/less puritanical" [queers] from Michele! That is good! Where I live in rural VA, I am thankful when I can sleep with a closeted man. The man I slept with last night is moving back to his homestate of Mass. when he graduates in a couple of weeks. I did not think to discuss marriage with him laying there in the afterglow of sex. I remember saying, "Since you plan to move in with your mom, will that not mean that you will still be in the closet for a couple more years?"

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oh, but James -- you could be the first gay-married couple with one spouse in the closet, just think of the possibilities!

Love --
mattilda