Friday, June 27, 2008

The center of San Francisco

Sometimes phone sex is the best because you have complete control over your orgasm, or almost complete control and sometimes that makes the high so much better like you almost lose control even though you have control and that makes it so much more startling. And sometimes I say silly things after I come, you know before my brain has kicked back in.

Is phone sex public sex?

The guy on the other line says no, it's public utility sex. Well, that's a good response!

Then I get philosophical: I say well I was thinking about all the spaces where I have sex, most of which are public sex spaces, and I was thinking that it's all become physically unsatisfying, emotionally draining, and culturally pointless.

Then I say: I should write that down -- if I can be clear about exactly what I'm feeling, then maybe I can figure out how to find something else. My phone sex partner says what are you writing it down for? I say that's what I do, I'm a writer. He says what are you writing?

I say well, the current project I'm working on begins with visiting my father before he died. I hadn't spoken to him since confronting him about sexually abusing me as a kid, 11 years before, and that's when I cut off ties unless he could acknowledge the abuse. He never did, but I decided to visit him anyway.

And then this project continues with trying to regain a sense of hope in my own sexuality, and the legacy of the abuse in the overwhelm of the everyday, and then maybe it ends with childhood, or something like that. My phone sex partners says: are you on drugs?

No I'm not on drugs -- I don't even do drugs, I mean I did plenty of drugs a long time ago, but I haven't done a single thing in eight years -- why do you think I'm on drugs, because I'm being emotionally revealing?

He says because your voice changes a lot, from soft and low to faster and then low again.

I like when a phone sex conversation becomes something else, but it's funny that he doesn't want me to know when he was born -- I say in the 1950s, right? So yes, in the 1950s, on the Upper West Side in New York, near Columbia, but he won't tell me his background, which I'm curious about because I'm interested in the history of different neighborhoods in different decades, and especially different neighborhoods in Manhattan. He moved to San Francisco in 1969, I say what do you think is better and what you think is worse?

He says it's not as free and not as fun and it's much more corporate. Everybody's networking all the time. It used to be that there was a sense of San Francisco as in the cultural forefront -- the whole rock scene -- this was a center of it, the Mamas and the Papas and Jefferson Airplane and Santana. KQED had an auction and they had all this neat stuff from local artists and antique dealers and that was when they had started a one-hour news program because of the newspaper strike. And San Francisco was a financial headquarter city.

I say a financial headquarter city -- was that a good thing? He says yeah, but now it's not the same it doesn't even have the liberal ideas that are supposed to be so prevalent but that's just a myth so what is San Francisco the center of anymore?

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