Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Like that white would taste like skin

The worst part of my day is that space in between sleep and sleep, waking up to piss I try to stay calm but sure enough I start thinking about the blinds and whether they’re poisoning me that's why I feel so awful even if I sleep I still feel awful. Then I start thinking about everything I couldn't do when I was awake, like find a thyroid doctor and then I can try the medication but what if it just makes things worse it takes a while to find the right dose and if it’s too much then I'll just get wired and exhausted I can imagine it 10 times worse than this. Layna Berman says hypothyroid makes you suicidal, hyperthyroid makes you homicidal -- you'll know because you'll be sitting with a friend and you'll start thinking: why are you breathing so loud? Do you have something to say are you going to say it? And why are you doing that thing with your hands?

Already I'm so edgy, like the slightest thing sends me from a vague calm to catastrophe, a short walk could mean a slight clearing or deep dark hopelessness inside bodily collapse. I need exercise, but I can't exercise. I need exercise, but I can't exercise. I need exercise, but I can't exercise!

So it's not working, what I'm doing is not working, I keep working at what I'm doing. Hoping that something will work. Not hoping. Hoping.

So every night late at night in bed it's really morning I'm trying to get back to sleep and I start thinking okay, I just have to try eating fish and then I even picture it, I can go to that restaurant in the Marina where they even had a fish on the menu that sounded great, a ginger miso dressing with greens and quinoa and oh, I didn't realize the fish part. Still I picture myself going to the counter and ordering and breathing deeply, thinking okay this is just something I'm trying this doesn't mean I'm a horrible person I'm just desperate I need to try just once just to see if that helps. Then the fish arrives on the table I smile and say thanks and try to pay attention to the greens and the quinoa maybe I'll press my fork against the fish to take a bite but oh the smell and my whole body clenches up.

So no, maybe I'll go with someone who likes to eat fish and they’ll order their food while I order mine, it'll all be planned out ahead of time I'll just try a bite. I'll just try. I'll just.

This feeling in my chest like I can't breathe like everything that's me might not be me any more I guess it's the kind of deep sadness that's worse than sadness because what if the root of the sadness or not the root the cause, what if the cause is still what my body needs? Is that something I can deal with?

So then I go back to the idea of eggs, yes there are a few farms that are actually free range where they don't keep the chickens in cages or chop off their beaks, where they don't slaughter the animals later they just grow vegetables. Grant even gets free eggs sometimes when one of the eggs in a carton is broken so they can't sell that carton. Maybe that would be okay. I mean I've thought about it for long enough and probably it would be fine, I just can't imagine biting into that particular texture I guess I imagine it hard-boiled that's the way I ate eggs as a kid it just seems like that white would taste like skin.

Meanwhile it's like I leave the house for 15 minutes and I'm already hypoglycemic, allergic to everything, totally on edge, I'm in pain from sitting or moving or not moving or talking on the phone or anything really, I mean I'm not getting better I'm not getting better I'm not getting better so it's time to try something new, maybe the thyroid medication.

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