Saturday, June 21, 2008

No arguing yet

The best part about meeting someone new who you're going to have sex with is the point right before it happens, right when you go from not sure that there's anything sexual maybe it's a different kind of connection maybe he just likes talking with you to when you first touch, just casually at first and then he starts stripping, standing up on the sofa with his cock in his hand, foreskin a dark band around paler skin and he's got that grin, the only thing you're wondering about is the sticky sweet rancid smell of all of his skin you're wondering how to suggest a shower, yes let's take a shower and you go upstairs for advice but what's going on, all of these people are gathered in the family room the sun is bright, who are all these people?

Just as you're about to say I can't believe I'm up so late, you realize it's only 2 or 3 a.m. in the house he now share with your sister and there are all these dogs gathered against the wall, wait is that one -- you can't remember the name, it can't be Lassie, your neighbors’ dog from years and years ago, the neighbors you barely ever saw but the dog came over all the time until maybe they taught it human boundaries. You say that can't be, because then she has to be 30, and this older guy from the corner who must be the neighbor says exactly, 30 and six days, and then you're having so much fun petting the dog, sweet dog with so much soft fur you can't believe she's 30 and then she starts biting you, gently at first and then more so it hurts you step back and say no. No. No.

You're worried you'll scare the other dogs but they all still seem happy, tongues out bobbing up and down by the fireplace and when you wake up at first the best thing is that you finally fell into something so calming, then you realize maybe it's one of the first dreams that takes place in the house where you grew up, but you're not terrified. There's some fear about the guy downstairs, something less than gentle about his grin that makes you go upstairs for advice in the first place, something that could lead to a certain kind of violence but it's manageable, not the violence of your father in that same space, the downstairs that years later terrified you even in waking hours.

Maybe it's time to get up, but you keep your eyes closed just in case and you're in your grandmother's kitchen -- you and your father and mother and sister and grandmother, she's just gotten out of the hospital, sitting on her chair talking about what she needs to cook and you're thinking what, you're going to cook when you just got out of the hospital, broken hip and it's hard for you to stand? But there's something calming about this dream too, like for once you're all together but there's no arguing, no arguing yet.

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