Friday, June 13, 2008

What's shifting now

I've always recognized the hopelessness of the strictures required in order to find satisfaction in public sexual environments, yet I also found some kind of hope or solace in the gestures of intimacy leading to something that felt like splendor. In some ways it helped that I had little in common with the people who frequent those places except these lips, this tongue, these hands, those eyes, oh this embrace those legs that cock his sweat the texture of his ears his teeth the roof of his mouth that stubble these arms yes these arms yes. In some ways it felt hopeful that I could find so much beauty with people who might shun me in another realm, people who I might shun. There's something about the things you can see with that sudden intimacy, the shift of breath and perspective. Sure, I always searched for what could be more -- I never accepted the limitations but I was always aware that they existed. In dramatic and desperate ways, but still that embrace maybe it was worth it.

Even with sex work, even with those tricks where I'd start and think oh no, how am I going to do it? And then when I would really go there, deep into the physical connection I mean it could become something splendid, something we would savor and share and then it was over. Sure, in the worst cases he might go back to his job figuring out how to deport more undocumented immigrants or how to help multinational corporations plunder indigenous resources, so yes the limitations were obvious, yes there could be something grotesque about my job serving his needs, but still the way something in me could shift, that's what I'm wondering about.

What’s shifted now is that I'm not sure any of it is worth the sadness, the distance, the desperation, the yearning for something else, the lack of potential it all just builds into a loneliness that starts to feel like me. It's harder to find that burst of energy from sudden connection, or sometimes it's so quick between giving up until yes, oh this, yes and then so soon again it’s why, what was the point

2 comments:

sarah said...

"it's so quick between giving up until yes, oh this, yes and then so soon again it’s why, what was the point"

this feeling is familiar to me. it reminds me of justin hall's breakdown video. "something is wrong with me and that's why i'm alone! ... I don’t know if this is enough."

for me it's usually a good path marker... becoming aware, finding a way to take responsibility or make changes. maybe that's why you tagged this "watershed days."

anyhow. i like this post. thanks for talking about feelings on the internet :)

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Sarah, what an interesting comparison...

And yes, yes for feelings on the internet -- thanks for writing!

Love --
mattilda