Monday, June 30, 2008

Whether it's better to want something I don't have or to want something I don't have

It's amazing to me that the new blinds are still toxic, I mean they're not even new anymore I've had them for at least two months, right? Still when I pull them down it's like wet paint. Not as bad as when I first got them, and I would wake up with my face sealed shut, walk into the kitchen to cook and find myself staring at this thing, what am I doing what is this? Oh, that's a pot. I'm cooking.

Still I wake up in the middle of the night with serious sinus pain, although I guess that could be the 800 forest fires that are burning in northern California, Chris says the air is so polluted it just gets stuck, what we really need is rain to clear the air. But it doesn't really rain at this time of year. Although Chris says we’re supposed to have some thunderstorms.

I guess that's what I smell in the middle of the night -- I keep thinking it's the tandoori ovens, what are they cooking in the middle of the night? But I guess it's much larger areas of burning wood, further away but it still gets stuck in my throat, dry and caustic.

I'm trying to decide whether I should go to the Nob Hill Theatre. I haven't been to any of my sex venues for a few months, which means that pretty much I haven't had sex, and I can’t decide whether I feel better or worse. Whether it's better to want something I don't have or to want something I don't have when I'm surrounded by that wanting. I mean other people, wanting.

Instead I keep getting stuck on the internet, I don't even know what kind of wanting that is. Wanting new arms, I guess, a body that doesn't hurt just from sitting, something to maybe rescue me from this position, any other position! So maybe it's better to go to the Nob Hill Theatre.

2 comments:

michele said...

ugh, those blinds sound so nasty - i can almost smell them from here! (i put a new shower curtain in a back hall to "air out" for the same reason but it still stinks, months later).

have you considered replacing the blinds w/ non plastic (often less smelly)?

sounds like you might benefit from an air purifier/filter in general.

i would like to gently encourage you not to continue to live with such a toxic substance in your home environment!

best,
michele

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Michele, thanks for the great suggestions -- you're right, it might be a good idea to replace the blinds, but they were so expensive and it was such a hassle to get them. But you may be right -- I'll keep thinking about it.

I got an air purifier a long time ago (five years?), and used it for a while but I finally decided that actually it just circulated the dust, I think because my windows are always open and it can't really purify the outside too (but why not?). And I can't deal with closing the windows -- I like that fresh air! Or kind of fresh, air...

Great to hear from you!

Love --
mattilda