Wednesday, July 09, 2008

An attempt at intimacy but it just ends up making me sad again

Okay, so you might remember that I'm trying to regain a sense of hope in my own sexuality and no, it's not working , but what I've been trying lately is to engage every so often in these silly internet cruising sites and one of the things that keeps coming up is my name, somewhere in the cruising, it's Mattilda, and then, well then no longer are we talking about sucking cock or whatever now it's: what's your real name? Some faggots act like I'm totally giving them shade by not divulging my true masculinity my rough-and-tough Brokeback bravado my chest-pumping neck-bulging pancreas-pounding ramrod-raging DNA-as-destiny parental ownership trump card what's your real name, the name your parents gave you the name on your birth certificate is that what your mother calls you no really your real name really?

I wish I could say that this only happens on the internet, but no sometimes it happens after I have sex with someone and all the sudden it's like I smacked him in the face, probably should but that's a different story. Or, people will respond by giving themselves names they think are completely ridiculous, just to show me how ridiculous I am! The other night this happens with these art students -- art students, of all things -- one of them said I'm Courtney Love. Which, by the way, probably wasn't the name Courtney's mother gave her, either.

A name a name and name it's a fucking name, I mean right now I'm not even going to get into all of the other things these faggots can't deal with right now we’re just talking about my name, and sometimes they'll act totally befuddled like oh, isn't that a girl’s name? I swear -- there are faggots that actually say that shit, I mean most faggots actually, if they don't say it outright they say something else like is that the name your mother gave you? No, you moron, and she gave me a lot of other things I don't want either!

Let's get back to self-actualization for a moment, let's get back to queer possibilities of choosing our gender and sexual and social identities, or let’s go way back from there for a second and say bitch, this is the West Coast -- on the West Coast, we choose our names!

Don't get me wrong -- everyone should be able to choose their name, West Coast East Coast inside outside win some you lose some bring some gives some take some make some make it up, okay make it up! And yes, part of my name is about making people stop and think for a second, just a second, maybe a second? It's also about living in a world that I can stand. I mean shouldn't that be part of our cultural coming-of-age instead of driving and voting for pointless morons who want us dead and the legal right to alcoholism, it's just a small small gesture I mean a beautiful transformative glamorous and gorgeous, sassy and splendid and delicious and dangerous and vibrant and visionary gesture, so maybe it's no surprise that so many people can't deal.

But I still hate it, even when I act like it's nothing it's a sad let-down almost like when someone you're starting to know says something terrible and offensive and you realize oh. Oh, it's not gonna go any further. And it's gotten to the point on those cruising sites when I don't even want to get to what's your name, it's an attempt at intimacy but it just ends up making me sad again, sad like there's no point to this whole thing and in the limited world of those cruising sites there probably isn’t a point, probably I should leave and never come back but remember I'm investigating all the options I just wish they felt like possibilities like my name like when your eyes light up and there's more.

7 comments:

keidy said...

Sorry you keep bumping into all the Craigs from Ohio. Its Ohio because Ohio is a big state therefore many people named Craig whom cannot deal with your name are born there. Funny I was justing writing about all these Craigs yesterday. Do not worry Chris we are not talking about you.

keidy said...

When I was in grade school kids use to tease me and say I could not spell my own name. Most people could not handle the D part of my name. It was always Kay-ti not kay-Dee A teacher even said that my parents must of been illiterate. I think people are sometimes very cruel. I know kids are cruel but I would hope that people would have grow up by now. It makes me very sad.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Keidy, oh okay the big state of Ohio -- but now, with this new usage of Craig, I have to rethink what name I use for Chris, unless, of course, it's just Chris...

And thank you for this:

"I think people are sometimes very cruel. I know kids are cruel but I would hope that people would have grow up by now. It makes me very sad."

I always think the kids are cruel because of the parents, and the larger world, which obviously hasn't matured. Sad sad sad you're right!

Love --
mattilda

stephen said...

This is a delicious sentence -- I mean shouldn't that be part of our cultural coming-of-age instead of driving and voting for pointless morons who want us dead and the legal right to alcoholism, it's just a small small gesture I mean a beautiful transformative glamorous and gorgeous, sassy and splendid and delicious and dangerous and vibrant and visionary gesture, so maybe it's no surprise that so many people can't deal.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Stephen, thank you thank you thank you -- you know how I love delicious!

Love --
mattilda

p-star said...

My mom named me porscha... I think I have the opposite problem... I'm a white girl named Porscha, no one believes my parents named me this... I get the same freaking questions all the time and sometimes, I want to slap them upside the head, too.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Porscha, you're right -- kind of the opposite problem in a way (like with Keidy), but it's the same fucking assholes asking all those stupid questions that aren't really questions just accusations, dammit!

Thanks for writing!

Love --
mattilda