Monday, July 28, 2008

I wish I could figure something out

Things are so different when I actually sleep kind of okay, or actually it's not so much the sleep as the fact that it's more or less interrupted for 10 hours or so. Maybe that sounds like a lot but it's definitely what I need. The main difference is that everything isn't so overwhelming. For five hours I actually feel motivated but not manic, energetic and calm. Outside it's warm but dry, which is how it's supposed to be when it's warm here. I still can't walk too far without feeling like I’ll fall apart, and when I get home my body is tense all over but I don't yet feel exhausted. Then around seven I suddenly crash, so hard that I'm lying on the stretching mat, doing the feldenkrais meditation-type movement where you visualize the marble rolling down the center of your body and then a bouncing ball going up and down inside your body and I pretty much fall asleep just like that, for a few minutes at least and when I stand up everything’s cloudy again. But at least I got that five hours, five hours of something different.

I don't understand what makes my head so filled with tension, pounding no just twisted and tangled eyes viewing confusion whatever it is its confusion but more allergy face closed congestion catastrophe I mean this is the same bed in the same room as yesterday. Sure the weather is thick and humid, maybe that's it. Or maybe it's just that sleep was more stressful this is where stressful sleep leads me. I just wish I could figure something out, some formula that would work and bring me to something like calm or rest yes rest on a regular basis.

I leave a voicemail for Derek: hi darling, we haven't talked in a while but I've been thinking about you and I already miss you. I don't understand the anger you were directing at me during our last conversation, and what you were saying felt scripted and formulaic and maybe it related to some hypothetical relationship but not ours. I guess I felt like you had this purposeful desire to prevent me from expressing myself or my emotions and I haven't seen that before -- I felt like you were snide and dismissive in a way that scared me. Maybe next Tuesday is too soon to get together, but let me know about your plans and when you're going on your meditation retreat, and maybe we should wait to meet after you get back, but just let me know what you're thinking. Call any time. Love you.


CaroleMcDonnell said...

Totally comprehend. I read somewhere that fibromyalgia is one of the diseases that occur when a person realizes he/she has no one to lead on and has a terrible realization that one is on one's own in life. This, mixed with hypervigilance, unforgiveness, repressed anger, and a feeling of being deserted set up a routine in the body where the pancreas, the endocrine system, the nervous system and the immune system all are on fight or flight mode and go wild. I beleive that.

All I know is that when I eat sugar, processed foods, grains and caffeine I get a terrible thirst and the thirst just messes me up. So in addition to forcing myself to drink a tonna water I have to force myself to drink two tonnsa water.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Hi Carole --

I think you're right that fibromyalgia often occurs among people who were abused early in life and have a lot of smart yet painful realizations throughout. I like to think of it as a condition that will eventually subside, but who knows...

And yes, two tonnsa water, indeed!

Love --

keidy said...

That was a lovely message you left Derek.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thanks for the support, Keidy -- you're very sweet!