Wednesday, July 02, 2008

If only it worked that way...

I wish I wasn't so fragile, I mean yesterday I danced for a few minutes in a crowd outdoors where people were smoking everywhere, smoking right near me, but still it was outdoors and now. Now. Now I can't think. My sinuses are pounding and I can't think. My sinuses are pounding and I just feel hopeless and sad and I'm trying to be okay with feeling tired, it just makes me more tired to fight it so I'm sitting on the sofa staring into space, staring into space and thinking it's okay. I mean I'm trying to think it's okay.

Then I decide to lie back on the other sofa, I can lean against the comforter and it still hurts my neck but maybe you noticed that I'm trying not to get into bed. Because it's kind of close to bedtime, but not yet not yet I mean if I get in bed I'll just get wired and then I won't be able to sleep and then tomorrow will be worse.

Sometimes I just don't know what it's like to feel anything else except overwhelm or what's that other feeling, the one where I can think and thinking means I'm okay, I'm okay while I'm thinking? Gina says the problem isn't that you're so fragile, it's just that people shouldn't be smoking everywhere. Oh, Gina -- if only it worked that way!

No comments: