Saturday, July 12, 2008

Just the other side of exhaustion

Two nights of terrible sleep in a row and this one's the worst -- probably half the time I'm in bed I'm completely awake, at first I'm relaxed about it, but then it becomes that endurance routine when I want to get up but if I get up then I'll have to eat and I don't want to get back into that pattern again. I'm thinking maybe I can't sleep because the homeopathic remedy stopped working these days they stop working so fast I need to find a thyroid doctor call Layna Berman to find out the rest of the supplements she recommends maybe find a therapist too much suppressed anger it's so warm in here with all this humidity, when will it go away? Eventually I can feel that point where the wired fades into a dark hole, this is what I would be feeling if I got up too but the good part is that then my body feels more relaxed like I'm sinking into the bed this happened last night and then I had beautiful calming dreams but now, every time I almost get there my ear starts itching or my shoulder hurts or the eye mask starts the retreating my face or I have to move the towel that covers the eye mask to block the rest of the light and then I'm wired again. Thinking no, just day in bed as long as possible, even if I get up at 5 p.m. then I'll just take a cab to feldenkrais or maybe I should call Donna and ask if she could come to me I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go outside if I don't fall asleep again.

Eventually I get up, more or less at the usual time -- 2:40 p.m. At first I feel awful and sad like any trouble could send me to a permanent state of collapse, but strangely then I'm wired, probably just the other side of exhaustion but still he gets me to call the thyroid doctor and the receptionist is actually helpful, asking me all these questions she’ll consult the doctor to see if an appointment would make sense. Then I realize maybe today’s the time to find a primary care physician, since I have a list from the fancy holistic doctor that doesn't do primary care -- I haven't had a primary care doctor in years, and I can never get around to calling the people on the list but that's the kind of thing my mother likes to do, so I call her and she's excited, I guess also because I found an SSI lawyer to consult with, and left a message, probably they'll just tell me I'm not eligible but then at least my mother will stop asking. She tells me about going to Harlem, she says once with Dad we were walking through the park and I was really interested in seeing what it was like, I don't think he was as interested but this time I went with a friend and we ate at a restaurant, they specialized in Southern food and I'm not that familiar with Southern food -- it wouldn't be your kind of place, definitely not your kind of place -- and then we went to a Baptist service, I've never been to that kind of thing and it was just like I expected -- a lot of singing and a lot of energy and the orator had a great deal of emotion, I don't know what you would call him, I guess a minister, but what I didn't expect was that we were the only white people there, I didn't realize Harlem was so segregated.

4 comments:

stephen said...

Eventually I can feel that point where the wired fades into a dark hole, this is what I would be feeling if I got up too but the good part is that then my body feels more relaxed like I'm sinking into the bed this happened last night and then I had beautiful calming dreams but now ------ lets stop it there girl... have u seen my youtube video (http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ea5CFuxuEwo)?? gimme your thoughts and lets eat together soon... xoxoxo

ps im in the middle of a I CANT SLEEP moment now.............

grantatee said...

i love how you recapture the conversations you have with people.

xoxo
grant

CaroleMcDonnell said...

Ah yes! Harlem is pretty segregated in some places.

Have you been drinking your water? Yeah, i know...I'm fixating on water. Try to drink 1/2 your weight in ounces. That means if you're 140 lbs, drink 70 ounces of water daily. But try to drink a great deal of water every day. Around the third day it'll help. Stress depletes water and plays havoc with water balance inside and outside the cell.

Avoid chocolate and anything caffeinated. Avoid grains and anything any processed stuff. No MSG, no mustard, no ketchup, no mayonnaise, nothing with soy, nothing with glutamic acid, no cheese, no cold cuts, no peanut butter. <-- okay, you probably know all this already but it never hurts to be reminded. I hope all this helps. I totally know how you feel but I get really bad when I haven't been watching what I eat. If possible, can you eat only fruits and veggies and meat for the next few days...nothing packaged, processed, etc. Nothing from a box, nothing that comes as a "bar," nothing in a can.

Stress and early childhood trauma just wrecks a person's body and we have to remember that we walk around with wrecked and damaged bodies as well as wrecked and damaged hearts and souls. And the American diet is not conducive to healing. Love, -C

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Stephen, yes it would be good if we could edit our experiences as they're happening -- and I'll watch your video in a few hours once I've eaten and I'm not so hypoglycemic -- on no for the I CAN'T SLEEP moment, but it certainly makes sense that you visited this area and yes yes let's get together soon!

And thank you, Grant -- I try!

Carole, I was just thinking that what my mother really meant was black, but more on that in my next entry...

I drink so much water, you would not believe -- I would say at least my body weight in ounces per day, but you're right -- without that much water (or more), I'm a complete catastrophe.

I'm always very conscious about my diet, but I can't say that it's working...

This, Carole, is so so true:

"Stress and early childhood trauma just wrecks a person's body and we have to remember that we walk around with wrecked and damaged bodies as well as wrecked and damaged hearts and souls."

Thank you for the support!

Love --
mattilda