Saturday, July 26, 2008

This space of loss

I shifted so suddenly into this space of loss; it's only been three days, but already I miss Derek. I keep wanting to call him and tell him things -- So Many Ways to Sleep Badly is already in the window at City Lights! Do you think this supplement is making me wired? I just read the BAR -- now I remember why I don't read the BAR: I end up knowing too much about everything that's awful about San Francisco and the gays and then I feel hopeless.

Instead of calling Derek, I look at the red velvet pillow on the sofa, and think: that's the pillow Derek leans against. I put some coleslaw on my plate, and I think: that's the coleslaw Derek made for me. I hear the lights humming and I think: that's because of that dimmer switch Derek installed. When will Derek be over again?

But when I think of calling him my stomach gets tight and I think about all of his rage. Gina wants to know the details, but we both have to go in a few minutes so I try to summarize but I just end up speaking twice as fast and then my whole body hurts and I feel sad again. I thought talking about it would make me feel better.

I start to plan a voicemail to leave for Derek after he's asleep, but then I get too tired because I haven't been sleeping so well, or actually I sleep okay for several hours but then I wake up and once I'm awake for a certain amount of time then it's like the sleep just reverses right out of me and then I'm sitting here thinking about loss.

3 comments:

CaroleMcDonnell said...

Dang! This broken heart stuff is painful. Have been married for 24 years so I've kinda forgotten how it feels but I remember that one broken heart I got out of by logically examining the person and realizing that love or not I just didn't respect the guy. Even so, it took me eight years to get over that one. Sorry to sound like it's hopeless but it DOES take a long time...from what I remember.

Heck, he should be the one thinking of how to apologize to you. Go out and walk and look your loveliest. Be witty and hang with friends. It'll remind you how lovable and worthy of love you are. It might not heal the broken heart but it certainly makes a person feel less like a loser. And that's what broken hearts always made me feel like... like I was a loser and like no one in the word would want me. Will pray for your broken heart. And I'm serious. Go for a healing walk. You have a book signing soon? That helps the spirit. -C

riftgirl said...

Ugh. Goddamn brain attraction chemicals... I hate feelings like these. And hate it even more that I still experience them even after two years since a breakup. Not to mention someone who more than likely never give me a second thought.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Carole, I'm still hoping that it'll be resolved in some form or another that continues the possibilities for our relationship to grow, but you're right about broken broken hearts -- luckily I have lots of crazy manic projects regarding So Many Ways to Sleep Badly and editing the new anthology and plotting a takeover of the literary world, etc.

Riftgirl, I like that phrase -- "brain attraction chemicals." And yes, feelings like these, oh no!

Love --
mattilda