Sunday, July 20, 2008

What went wrong

I'm trying to think about what went wrong with the conversation, I mean where it went wrong or why I mean I thought it was going to be a good conversation but it wasn't. Sure, there was that moment of release when I suddenly felt calm instead of shaking inside and maybe outside too and freezing, really freezing does emotional release make you freezing no that's nerves.

But usually I get sweaty when I'm nervous.

The release only lasted a moment, Derek said catharsis I think that's a good word. I asked him if that's what he was looking for. No. He kept saying this is too much, too much to think about he hadn't expected it but he always says that. That's why I suggested ahead of time that we have a conversation about our relationship, when we were actually getting along and not in a sudden emergency and he would have as much time to think about it ahead of time at me. But then it became an emergency anyway. And I don't know why.

Usually there's something so nurturing about our relationship on such a deep level and sure, part of that comes from knowing each other for 16 years, believing in some of the same dreams although maybe that's changing but still there's the history of yearning together. And so I said I feel confident about the longevity of our relationship, I feel safe in so many ways and I trust you on a deep level but still I don't feel secure.

I get so nervous about such tiny things, my whole body clenches I stop breathing I wait till the end of the conversation to say: do you think it would be better to meet at my house, because it's easier to the physically close? I mean because we can sit in my kitchen or on the sofas, but at your house it's me sitting on the chair while you're in bed unless I get in bed with you and that's only comfortable for so long. That was over the phone and he said sure but I was scared I don't like being scared all the time even when I'm not scared maybe I'm scared.

And when we were talking a week or two ago and I was saying that it used to be that direct action activism or my friends were the most important thing in my life, and maybe it would alternate back and forth, but over the last few years I feel like it's been my writing and in some ways that's because of disappointments with activism and friends and then I thought about you and our friendship and whether you were an exception. And I realize that actually you're the reason I've pulled back my expectations. Maybe I don't have the same dreams I mean I want the same things but maybe I don't dream.


Hilary Goldberg said...

i don't know who is responsible for this little gem of wisdom but: expectation breeds disappointment. dreaming without expectation never disappoints. it's a constant effort to put down expectations. no matter what went wrong, at least you have the courage to look at it and talk about it -- if anything keeps real connections alive it's the strength to actually deal. so anyway, what went right?

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Hilary, so lovely to hear from you in these parts!

I like this: "dreaming without expectation never disappoints."

And that was what was so hard about the conversation -- I thought the most difficult part would be speaking, and that Caleb would not have a problem dealing -- that I was having an irrational fear, but actually the fear was rational (he couldn't deal, at least not then). But I'll write more. And Caleb and I will have more conversations... And hopefully it will all get more gorgeous and not less...

Love --

Hilary Goldberg said...

i hope so too...