Tuesday, July 22, 2008

What's okay

Somewhere in the conversation I ask Derek what he wants from our relationship, I mean because it used to be us against the world and then when I first got back to San Francisco he said he didn't want that anymore and so I started thinking about finding different people for different needs, but I wonder about the other model we used to share, the model that you just get more and more vulnerable with someone and then when you're more vulnerable than you ever imagined you just keep revealing more and the relationship gets deeper. That's still my ideal relationship.

Derek says well I definitely don't want us against the world, and I say I don't necessarily want that either, but what about the other part, about vulnerability, because sometimes I think you don't want that either, I mean you definitely didn't want that seven years ago so I'm wondering what you want now. Derek says I don't know, and I say well why don't you think about it and get back to me. That's what I always say when Derek says he hasn't thought about something, or something is too much, but he never gets back to me. We only have these conversations when I initiate them. A year ago, which was our last conversation about the five-year period when Derek was all strung-out, and he asked what he could do to make me feel safer, I said I'd like it if you would check in and ask me how I feel about are relationship, so I don't have to be the one who brings it up all the time. He hasn't asked me once.

I wanted to ask how he sees himself in relationship to the world, because I think we used to see ourselves in similar ways I mean I know that's how we expressed it -- the world was a horrible place and we were looking for people to hold onto, to feel like it was worth it. Worth it to go on, worth it to keep fighting, worth it to keep crafting ourselves into and out of delicate messes, worth it to challenge every aspect of ourselves, worth it to challenge every aspect of the world around us. I still see things in somewhat similar ways, I mean I have less hope for the idea of chosen family that was so important to us then, less hope because the people that were supposedly family have let me down so much and I start to believe what Benjamin said a while back: family is something so awful that it shouldn't be reclaimed.

But I do believe in challenging every aspect of ourselves, every aspect of the world around us, and building some kind of beauty and defiance in the ruins of ourselves and what we are trying to make. Even when I was talking to Derek about anger, I wasn't expressing my anger. I don't know if that's okay. I don't know what's okay.

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