Saturday, August 02, 2008

Engaged with disengagement

Okay, I know this is an old question, and maybe even circular, but what does it feel like to feel rested? Because I wake up after something like uninterrupted sleep, except I'm wired so I don't get up because sometimes I get wired in the middle of the night and I think it's late and then I look at the clock and oh no it's way too early. But then I wonder if maybe it really is late, and when I look at the clock it's 2 p.m. so time to get up I guess and maybe I'm rested. Although I’m trying to get up just a bit earlier to prepare for my tour or my life or something like that. Usually I think feeling wired is just the flipside of complete exhaustion, but today I’m wired and angry, like I could punch something but there's nothing to punch I mean I can't punch anything because it would hurt. Maybe I could dance, but that would hurt too. So then I just shake my head back and forth and stick my tongue out, I guess that's okay. I drink six glasses of water with lemon in a half hour, but I'm still totally dehydrated, so dehydrated that my voice is almost hoarse and what do I do with all this anger, oh house music, house music is anger it's what I need it's the way to channel everything except the horrible sinus headache, I guess I wouldn't have a sinus headache if I felt rested.

Chrissie Contagious called last night around 3:30 a.m. her time and we hadn't talked in a while, she’d just seen the new Batman movie and she was trying to get me to empathize because Heath Ledger was the new James Dean he was better than Jack Nicholson it was so sad so sad because Heath took that pile of pills and maybe Chrissie's empathizing because she's got her own pile of pills, she knows there’s just a tiny space between heaven and the end of the world. I'm wondering if she realizes she's just spouting something right from tabloid news, but I listen anyway, I'm used to listening to her drunken creativity with language leading to belligerence and the part I like is that we can talk to one another like queens all competitive and fake-shady I miss those elaborate gestures. Even when she's talking about her Gucci sunglasses that came in the box, only $40, and I say should've been 40 cents but I guess it was a nice box. Her new name is Saint Christopher Contagious, thank you, and I figure it's just because of the obvious, but then I realize it's also because now she lives in Saint Petersburg, so that's pretty funny.

One of the more coherent things Chrissie says is about going to a bar and the DJ was so hot but how could he be 34, she'll be 34 in a few weeks but he looked at least 10 years younger -- no, wait, that's not the interesting part, the interesting part is when she says she's not looking for a relationship or even sex what she wants is friends who she can hang out with. I mean sure, she's creating an uncomplicated narrative between the sluttiness of her past and the embrace full of meaning she now wants, but I like when she says you can't look for a relationship, which is a challenge to the uncomplicated narrative she's spending that's what makes it meaningful. Anyway, when I get off the phone I realize it's time to ban myself from internet cruising, it only leads to pain I always think I'm just going to browse for a moment and then that moment just keeps going on and on because the next moment is the moment where it's all going to happen and it never happens. Tonight I even got phone numbers, but I might as well just pick seven digits and throw them in a hat. So often I end up cruising online when I don't have any energy and I want something to engage me to bring me out of the drain, and sometimes it works with that but it's the wrong engagement. I'm engaged with disengagement.

So I ban myself until October, which is when I go on tour so actually it'll last longer, at the moment I'm thinking permanent wouldn't be such an awful thing except it's important to create manageable goals, right? it's not like I meet anyone from online cruising anyway, the big question is where oh where that's the big question since I can't go to bars because of the smoke, the sex clubs and porn shops are tiring, the street doesn't work, I rarely socialize in groups and I don't like going on random dates anyway. Whatever -- I can deal with questions. The good news is that as soon as I decide I'm banned from internet cruising I actually feel relieved.

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