Monday, August 11, 2008

A good sign

There's some blond tweaker trying to get into my building, I mean she won't even step aside so that I can let her in, then when I get inside and all the kids are sitting on the steps I realize oh no, this is my old building! But wait -- how did I get in? Do my keys work here too, or did someone buzz me? Or maybe someone buzzed the tweaker, where did she go anyway?

Then I'm with Derek and we're in front of my actual building but there's this huge truck blocking the entrance, I rub Derek on the back -- what are we supposed to do? Somehow Derek gets in between the engine and the ground or something that looks too dangerous for me, even though he's laughing, but I realize I can climb on top of it instead and that works too. When I wake up, I feel really great about my dynamic with Derek, soft and intimate and nurturing again. But then I think about calling him, just to see if we're meeting at my house or his house on Tuesday, and my belly clenches up again, something in my chest too like it's hard to breathe. I think about where Derek will be, it's warm out and it's Sunday so he'll probably be at Dolores Park and everyone in the world will be around so maybe it's not a good time to talk. But then I keep thinking about it, and feeling worse, so I call anyway and he doesn't answer which might be better I'm not sure. I'm trying not to do that thing where I go right into the voice that sounds like everything's okay, and it actually works -- my voice sounds soft and kind of hoarse and I say I'm just calling to see if we're meeting at my place or yours on Tuesday -- I'm feeling really nervous about meeting, I mean of course I want to meet but I'm feeling really nervous. I wanted to write you a letter but I haven't yet, so probably it won't happen before Tuesday. Hope you're doing well -- love you.

Afterwards I actually feel much better, like I let something go. I mean I still have the same fears, but they're not circling around in my head and I have the same sinus headache and congestion but my head feels clearer. I think it really helped not to channel the I'm-okay-voice like I pretty much always do, felt like a release and I can feel this little kid feeling too and that's always a good sign.

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