Sunday, August 10, 2008

In a different place

Derek leaves a message, he wants to get together next week. Immediately my stomach hurts, not like digestion but just ouch. Not my stomach, my belly -- intestines. Really heart. Wasn't I feeling okay before? He said I miss you, why does this relationship that's given me so much now make me feel hopeless? Like it's easier just not to talk, to have this distance, to go over all the possibilities over and over again in my head. Like: what if Derek is thinking this? Or that? And how will I respond?

I'm not even going to mention all of the disastrous scenarios that play out in my head, over and over and over.

I guess the thing that scares me the most is that I'll go into that place of holding back my emotion, that place where I don't think I've gone before with Derek. That old old place that used to feel like safety I mean when I was growing up and it was my father's rage and it was the only way I could survive. Now it just feels like an impossible loneliness, a window into the despair I felt for those first 18 years. In some ways that's what hurts the most, that my conversation with Derek made me go there. Even with my mother, I just feel shut down and sad but I don't quite do that shutting-off thing. But I felt like Derek was requesting it, requiring it even and that's what makes me feel overwhelmed now, like my eyes are in a different place not looking out into the possibility but looking in I mean maybe I already was tired but now I really feel it.

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