Sunday, August 31, 2008

My break

I'm worried that the best part of my day will be the time I spend lying in bed opening and closing my eyes to study the colors of the lines made by streaks of daylight in the spaces between the blinds and the wall: first yellow then shiny magenta then deeper magenta almost a shadow a yellow like orange even green until it all fades and then I try it again, shifting the angle of my head the angle of the streaks it's a calming place this space between open eyes and dreaming.

The new homeopathic remedy isn't working. Maybe it's making things worse.
The acupuncturist is trying to find a combination of herbs that doesn't dehydrate me, but we're starting with a patent formula that already contain something dehydrating, so I don't think it's going to work. We have to go back further. When I get up, I feel like if I could truly describe exactly what happens when I'm trying to sleep, maybe I could actually sleep. But then there's the way I feel when I'm out of bed, head somewhere between closed off and closing in so I feel too exhausted to even try, I mean to even try describing all of that bedtime push and pull, oh. I'm already getting hypoglycemic, and the stove isn't even clean yet -- I don't like to cook before the burners are clean and this is my break from scrubbing them.


gina said...

mattilda! what you worried would be the best part of your day sounds like stan brakhage on hypnagogic vision! now we have another film to make! from your bed! opening and closing our eyes! you don't spend enough time in bed anyway! and neither do i! and i have 1200 feet of color negative on hold. i got a super deal. and it's 500T- the fastest ASA for all of our low light needs. what should we call this new film from your bed?! i drank some caffeine, can you tell? don't tell. quiet. be as quiet as you can, processing film all night, again, while yr roommate sleeps. ps this is my break, my dinner break, i love spending my breaks with you. i just read that fucking gay christian evangelical interview! amazing. i'm holding my breath for So Many Ways To Sleep Gladly. do you think your publisher could make the cover God shaped?
i love you so----

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Gina, yay for another film! And more time in bed! Yay for the fastest ASA for all our low light needs, 1200 feet is about the height of the Empire State building, right? I like the Empire State building. I will NOT tell anyone about the caffeine, and yes yes yes the cover must be God-shaped, just like you, the other G...

love love love LOVE --