Sunday, August 10, 2008

Over and over

Then I realize oh, I can send Derek a letter before we meet, a letter with everything I've been thinking these last two weeks. Even if I don't know if that's what he wants, at least it's on my terms -- I mean I want to feel vulnerable. For a few hours this feels liberating, but then I look at how much I've written and I wonder if it would just overwhelm him. So then I'm back to the same pattern of thinking about everything over and over. It's overwhelming to me that this relationship that usually feels so solid, like a part of my core, now I just feel anxious and it's possible that when I see Derek again I'll suddenly feel that calm but then I guess the reverse is possible too.

4 comments:

riftgirl said...

Groan... I'm not sure whether I embrace this sort of pheromonal heart and groin chemistry or am more afraid it only makes me an addle-brained and "too vulnerable for my own good" idiot.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Riftgirl, in the recent past I've started to feel that vulnerability actually makes me feel stronger, but who knows...

Heart heart heart heart ouch!

Love --
mattilda

riftgirl said...

I think l like long distance crushes much better. You can still feel all giggly inside, but the mileage adds a nice cushion.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Well, I'll be on tour this fall, so maybe I can work on long-distance crushes...

But one clarification: Derek and I don't have sex, I mean we've been super-close friends for 16 years and we first met we had sex, but not for 15 years or so (except once about seven years ago, and that was awful). Although there is a sexual dimension of our relationship...

Wait, maybe that didn't clarify anything...

Love --
mattilda