Monday, August 04, 2008

Something more expansive

I'm wondering what I'm supposed to want from sex. What I'm supposed to want. What I want.

I used to believe in something so expansive. I still believe. I want to believe.

The thing about sex all the time is that something opens up, even when the sex isn't good there's something about the body in these spaces. The body in these spaces: me. I wonder about these spaces now. Where am I in these spaces?

Sometimes I want sex all the time even when I don't want sex. I need to remember that I won't forget, that I won't forget what it means to feel open. Except. I'm still worried. I'm worried that I'm losing something, if it's just some consumer notion of sex all the time, anywhere, then let it go. If it's something else, the dream of body to body motion in emotion a catalyst for more dreams the dreams of an openness that can hold everything can openness ever hold? That's what I'm wondering.

I don't want the sudden shuddering of my body into touch, I want something more expansive. I don't know what that is anymore, except a dream, and then I worry that if I'm not in those spaces where sex happens for me then I'll fall out of practice, won't remember the way my body can wrap around air around body, won't recognize the gestures outside loneliness. Those spaces where sex happens for me: loneliness. I don't want that anymore.


Brina said...

I generally tend to have this problem that I always want the sex to mean something more than it is even when it is a one stand situation and the person is not someone you'd want to take the time to develop a more intense relationship. But I know what you're talking about and it is great to feel vulnerable and open during sex.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Brina, so lovely to hear from you! And I have both problems at once, in addition to other problems, of course...


riftgirl said...

As someone who experienced seven years of celibacy, trust me... that old "riding a bicycle" adage is true. ;-)

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Riftgirl, well that's good to hear!

Love --