Saturday, September 13, 2008

Back to that cycle again

What's funny is that then I have a night of sleep that's even worse, so bad I'm really really really thinking of getting up but then I assess the situation I mean I study the way my eyes might feel if I open them and realize oh no so I turn to the other side, try again, turn to the other side, try again, and eventually it gets past the wired part to the panic which is the worst because then even deciding whether to get out of bed is a cycle of rage and fear, but then I actually fall into these crazy elaborate dreams that I know I'm going to remember but of course I don't. And when I get up, I actually don't feel that bad at all, kind of silly and I put on track five of Claude VonStroke since that's my classic of the moment and then I play with my body I mean leaning to the parts that are stuck until they don't feel totally stuck and then I really give it, there's that minute or two where my body is totally synchronized with the beat oh I could do this forever but I won't. I mean I'll stop before it hurts, but oh it hurts in a different way to give up on these beats I'm not giving up I'm just standing back, right?

Back into the kitchen, cooking with beats and I'll probably crash soon but at least I have this window where things are clear and splashy, a bit of an edge but at the edge where edges belong I'm okay with edges at the edge! Different than hedges, okay, hedges come later in the day, Geary and Divisadero, petting this one right where they sawed it off into artificial waves, at least the new leaves are pushing through anyway. I can't help wondering if Derek got my letter yet, probably it's there and every time I pick up the phone to check my voicemail I stop breathing my chest pulls up throat closed I’m worried about what the message will say. But then there's no message, and I'm worried that he won't call. And then I'm worried about what he'll say when he does call, or when he does write, so you see I'm back to that cycle again.

6 comments:

Lisa Harney said...

Sort of a reply to your response in There's Something to Say:

It's my inadequacy, I can own it.

I'd add an immediacy, too - you establish imagery and start moving, and it just flows and is right there. The scene's there, instantly, even though you're constantly filling in details.

It doesn't feel stream of consciousness to me, though. One reason I keep coming back (once I read more than sporadically) is that the writing is also intimate and comfortable, which is why I guess I feel like your blog is a safe space. Not always comfortable in itself, but welcoming.

Anyway, there, coalesced some of my thoughts and thanks to ohthehorror to making me think. :)

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Lisa, thank you for this great analysis -- yes yes immediacy is really important to me in writing. And I love this:

"the writing is also intimate and comfortable, which is why I guess I feel like your blog is a safe space. Not always comfortable in itself, but welcoming."

That's really what I want -- thanks for the clarity!

Love --
mattilda

Lisa Harney said...

I almost wanted to say comfortable, but posts like this one and the one about layers aren't comfortable - and that's fine. The familiarity is still there.

And that goes back to when I said your writing made me feel nostalgic, too, because you write it as familiar, and that familiarity is extended to the reader.

And this is all because, yeah, last week I kept asking "Why is Mattilda's blog so addictive?" But didn't really think it through.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Lisa, yay for familiarity without comfort!

And I'm so glad to hear that the familiarity is extended to the reader, that's what I'm trying to do -- I like to avoid the big explication requirement, I do think it makes things more intimate...

And addictive? I mean, often I'm quite challenging of addictions, but if it's my blog, well that's a healthy addiction, right?

Love --
mattilda

Lisa Harney said...

Addictive might be the wrong word, but it keeps me coming back. :)

And yes, intimate!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Yay for coming back!

Love --
mattilda