Thursday, September 11, 2008

So much closure no not closure closed-off

Four days in a row of terribly interrupted sleep the kind that goes from good ideas at a bad time why good ideas right now to neurotic thoughts to panic will I ever sleep do I have to get up but eventually the way my head softens, why can't it just stay softer stay softer I mean stay softer in bed and save the good ideas and even the neurotic thoughts for when I'm no longer in bed, the panic I don't want to save the panic. When I get up, I'm staring at the dishtowel on the counter, who put that on the counter? Did someone move that while I was sleeping? You're the only one who lives here. I stare at the four magnetized hooks on the refrigerator, the hooks that never work for too long the dishtowel falls to the floor. There it is on the counter -- who put that on the counter?

The way a day like this starts with so much closure no not closure closed-off, like my relationship with Derek is what I'm thinking. Wait -- I don't want closure or closed off, I mean not in that case. But my head, closed-off yes it's opening with lime in water, music, cooking, herbs, but I wonder if it just opens into something wired striving leads back to closed-off I don't know how to break. It's hard to take a break when everything is so worn you feel so worn you feel everything. Stuffed in my head all that sinus dread, maybe allergy season maybe the way not-sleep mixes with sleep not a good combination for welcoming the world.

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