Monday, September 22, 2008

Stomachache, ouch

Stomachache ouch I’m thinking about running into Derek on the J I don’t usually take the J this is his part of town, not that we have territories but I don’t like coming in this direction, doesn’t relate to Derek it’s just the way that I don’t feellike I hate this city all the time. I kind of structure my life so that I go east and west on the 38, North or South on Van Ness or Leavenworth, Union Square or downtown or occasionally to the beach but not usually in the Mission-Castro-Noe Valley direction, here I am looking over at Dolores Park, the park everyone loves it just reminds me that I don’t like most of this city – sunny and hilly the tiny houses sure it’s pretty but I guess it’s the memories I don’t like, the Mission because I used to have so much hope for everything that let me down, scenester culture disguised as radical alternatives to the status quo and once I believed it so long ago it seems. Never again anything that calls itself community, the violence always lurks underneath. But Derek, I never thought Derek would let me down but here I am with that stomachache, ouch it’s just that everything clenches up thinking about what I should do if I see him, will I feel cold and distant but act friendly? Will I want to turn away but instead a big smile? Will I want to hug him but act distant? Will everything soften all the sudden but then afterwards it’s all broken?

Maybe there are more options I’ll have to think of more. I’ll admit that on the way back on the J, Dolores Park does look kind of gorgeous with the view of the whole sparkling downtown although I still hate those palm trees but I don’t worry about running into Derek maybe it’s the time of day for my nerves on the way it was too early I was rushing I hadn’t eaten enough now the sun is lower I can breathe.

No comments: