Monday, October 20, 2008

Because you're human

I know you'll be shocked to hear that I'm letting go of linear time for a moment, so that I can write about right now before the Olympia reading and other things in my notes, or not right now but earlier today no it started with that train to Olympia then the next day, on the bus after feldenkrais when I was talking to Aaron but I could hardly speak and then later, which was today, after I slept pretty well I think that I was so exhausted I could barely do anything, even thinking just felt tiring that wall in my head my body I mean the good thing is that I've been able to move through pain it hasn't gotten overwhelming although I'll admit I'm worried about the drive to and from Bellingham tomorrow, how much that will hurt, but the exhaustion has definitely surrounded me and Seattle is my place to relax and hopefully get through it before the 50-or-more hour train to Chicago. I'm glad I'm taking that time to relax, but it doesn't feel so relaxing.

And today, earlier today I was wondering if it's worth it. Talking to someone who was planning an event for me at a college in Brooklyn but there isn't much funding and I've already reached my exhaustion overwhelm, it sounds like a fun event with four other people on the panel talking about feminism and queer struggle but the problem is that I really don't have the energy, especially since it's the day after my Bluestockings event in New York and the day before I'm supposed to be in Philadelphia and it's so much more tiring to do an event when I start out completely exhausted instead of somewhat close to relaxed or present not just something I channel and then fall. The event would maybe be worth it if it was highly funded since I don't have many of those yet on this tour but the best decision for me is not to do it, although I commit to doing it anyway and then I go in the room where I'm staying and sit on the floor in the cold that clears my head I'm sitting on the floor hugging myself and I almost start crying I mean I do a little bit I wish more and I realize I have to call the person back about the Brooklyn event because she needs to know the details by tomorrow and it will still be a great event without me, it doesn't make sense for me to push myself more when probably I'm already pushing myself too much, so I call her back but don't reach her though I leave a message and I think I'm clear, it makes me sad but I'm clear and it's the right thing for me to do, makes me think about the way I sometimes get invited to speak at exciting university events, exciting lectures and conferences that often pay quite well, I mean way better than anything else that I do and I have to say no because I can’t fly to those events or it will destroy my health so much I won't even see the end of that sinus drill through my head into the physically-induced depression and Wade, who I'm staying with, says something sweet when I say I'm feeling sad about turning this event down, sad about my physical limitations that people don't always understand because drive and self-preservation and search for connection and meaning can sometimes camouflage the other side, and he says because you’re human, and I like that.

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