Thursday, October 02, 2008

Surrounded by their violence

One problem with talking to Amy is that I don’t necessarily know whether she believes me, I mean believes that I was sexually abused by my parents and of course I would never choose a therapist without that being part as the foundation of the therapy. And, of course, Amy knows my parents, I mean she was their therapist, and I would never find a therapist on my own who would offer details about my parents’ interior lives and I don’t know if that’s helpful. I mean Amy always wants me to know that they love me, I mean that my mother loves me now and that my father loved me before he died, and that really doesn’t matter to me. What matters is what they did with that love, it almost makes it worse that they loved me and could only respond with all this violence. Or not only with all this violence, but with so much violence that it outweighs everything else, and it’s the foundation.

Amy wants to figure out why my mother acts the way she does, which is something else a therapist I would choose would never do – I mean I don’t think it would come up. I guess maybe Amy is trying to break the pattern by understanding it first, but on a certain level I wonder how I could ever expect my mother’s manipulation and violence to stop if she’s never done any work to change it. Amy wants me to know how important I am to my mother, even as a child she would look to me for support. Amyeven tells me that my mother found that support, that she would look in my eyes and see my understanding. Which is deep on so many levels, because as a kid I wanted to rescue her, even if she would never rescue me.

But I always thought that feeling was a delusional fantasy, I mean not always but now, as an adult, I realize that of course I couldn’t do anything I mean I knew that then too but I could still fantasize. But then Amy is telling me that my mother actually felt that, she knew that I understood and that I wanted to help. And that it did help. And again that almost makes everything worse, because she was looking to me, her child, for support, and giving me nothing. I keep saying that to Amy, when she talks about my parents’ love – it gave me nothing. I was a status object and they were obsessed with my attainment and making sure that my goals matched theirs but never anything about me. It’s like Amy is trying to humanize them, but I already know all of it, too much of it, maybe I didn’t know that my mother found some sort of solace from me as a child and I’m not sure whether that helps. I mean it’s awful. But then Amy says it’s worse than nothing, you felt extracted from an extruded upon and okay, I guess this is what she’s trying to get at, and I say yes, and also I was surrounded by their violence, and if they wanted me to die than it would have made sense, but they didn’t want me to die, and I even think they looked to my initiative as some sort of prize, like my father could drug me and put his hands around my throat and squeeze until there was nothing left except his eyes there was nothing left except pain there was nothing left except still I wanted to live sometimes I wonder why I mean how, how was it possible that I wanted to live, that I remained driven to survive and thrive and do all these things? Now I wonder if this was one thing that also fascinated them.

I wonder if my mother was in her own self-induced drugged-out world of pills and time in the bedroom alone or if that just sounds better than the fact that she really wasn’t there, wasn’t there my whole childhood except maybe to ask for a washcloth while she was in the bath during her period, her hands pressing my face into her lap. I might delete that sentence. It’s harder for me to talk about my mother’s sexual violence from that time because I haven’t explored or processed or looked for the memories like with my father, I can say my father raped me them bought me so simple and clear but with my mother I don’t know exactly. Maybe she raped me and then disappeared.

I don’t know if any of this is useful, especially now when I’m so exhausted and I’m trying to get ready to go on tour and I’m talking to this therapist who I kind of trust on certain levels but not the deepest ones, I mean when I’m talking to her I just say violence, and also their violence and abuse and sure she knows what I mean, sure I said before that sometimes that I know my father raped me but then I circle back around and around about details, details like whether I was drugged or whether that drugged feeling was just leaving my body except I know the feeling of leaving my body and this was drugged I mean everything went white. I said the first part of that sentence, do you see what I mean? It’s harder to say the second part, the second part is more vulnerable. I mean I’m vulnerable with Amy, but I’m not sure why. I want my mother to create this account because it’s something tangible, something she can actually do to help me that she can’t immediately take back. Amy understands that, I mean that’s where she’s been supportive. But also she searches through childhood, brings me deeper into the abuse I could see how that might seem helpful to her, maybe her understanding maybe she thinks it helps me too I already have that understanding. Mostly I want release not exploration I mean if I chose a therapist it would be body-oriented that’s how I can go the deepest not head I’m always in my head I don’t need these logical circles.

But does she really say that’s your issue? I’m talking about my mother now, I think I stand in disbelief at that particular quote, when I was reminding her about the account and she said why, because it would make you feel secure. Right there – she had it right there, it wasn’t something she had to search for like Amy suggested. I said yes, and she said you are secure, because you have me. And I said how could that ever make me feel secure, when anything you ever offer I have to think is that really going to happen? And my mother said well that’s your issue. Really. And of course it reminded me of when Derek said those are your issues, sure it’s a totally different context but the same words that’s why it’s hard to think that my mother really said that.

I didn’t get a chance to say no, actually the reason I don’t feel secure is because of you and Dad, the only way you ever used money was for power and control and manipulation, never for security or comfort even if there was always money there was never safety. Never. I never felt safe. You can’t change that now, but you can make this small gesture to help me to feel some sense of financial security at least, but instead you’re continuing these monstrous power games.

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