Monday, November 24, 2008

Maybe something satisfied just from the search

Maybe it's the sun, right it's the sun that gives me energy I don't think I had energy before the sun but then I'm not even sitting in the sun because I'm in the cruising area of Prospect Park or at lease one of the cruising areas and unfortunately it's not busy but I'm sitting on the bench just to try and see, it's probably 30° out at most but I don't feel that cold until I leave, right then my temperature sinks and I'm freezing and totally hypoglycemic, rushing back to the place where I'm staying, yes rushing in the cold.

So maybe it's not the sun, but the way desire or something like desire brings up the temperature. Maybe not desire just a frantic push to find something that isn't here but at least I'm out in the sun or not quite the sun but out among the trees where before there was sun it’s true they don't usually say cold with longing so maybe that's it too but in the moment it feels like something more, something satisfied just from the search in a place somewhat different from the usual search sure just different from lack of familiarity or the crispness of the air or the questions about birdwatching, often there's this overlap between birdwatching and, well, watching. Between watching and what happens next, which doesn't happen now, just the watching. Maybe after dark but when I'm ready to go back the next day, no I do go back the next day but it's not sunny and I don't have the same energy even though it's warmer, but when I'm ready to go back at night, just to see if night is when it's busier, then it's raining so I stay inside where this warmth is definitely from the heating mechanism this is a different kind of warmth there's no comfort it's just everything drying out so maybe the rain wouldn't be so bad except not in the park, definitely not in the park in the mud by myself where maybe I can breathe until I’m too wet not too wet to breathe but too wet to be outside.

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