Friday, November 14, 2008

More things to figure out

I'm conscious of the way in which my tour updates might create a sense that everything is going more smoothly than it is. The reality is that I'm so exhausted that I can hardly function, which sounds strange because I just did an event at Harvard where I functioned so well -- I really enjoyed the conversation and the intimacy and engagement and it surprised me because beforehand I was so exhausted I thought how? Why? What am I doing?

And then back to the exhaustion -- so I can function, but only in windows when necessary and then I'm back to wanting to get back in bed, even if it's my shower at the beginning of the day I'm still thinking bed would be lovely yes bed would be lovely yes bed although I can't spend all my time there or at least not yet. At least I'm sleeping, 12 hours a night for the last three nights and I'm ready for more yes more so quickly I go from feeling an intimacy with strangers the intimacy of politics and questioning and then I'm moving on to the next city, New York where I thought I would be in the same place for two weeks but now maybe two or three places and for a while I was used to being in other people spaces but now after five days with my own apartment I'm a bit wary of close quarters again, even while trying to find them, I mean where I'm staying for 10 days starting Wednesday.

I wonder if seasonal affective disorder is approaching, strange to be in Boston without going into Boston I mean the whole time I've been in Cambridge and Somerville which are on the outskirts, never the places where I went when I lived in Boston but that was 13 years ago I don't miss it at all, nothing about it really although, for fans of urbanism, the T in Boston is rather loud like one imagines a subway should be, and there are stores underground nothing I would want but still it's somewhat comforting.

Last night's reading taught me a lesson: I wanted a bigger venue than before, but way fewer people showed up. The smallest crowd of my tour, actually, except for Bellingham which is a small town. So the bookstore ordered a ton of copies, but who knows where those copies will end up -- I mean, probably back at the distributor. And, it turns out that the Harvard Coop, which I thought was a long-term independent bookstore, is actually covertly owned by Barnes & Noble, oh no I actually ended up reading accidentally at a Barnes & Noble! All because I fetishized this other store, an actually independent bookstore called the Harvard Book Store, but they were full and then City Lights booked the Harvard Coop and the good news is that the person who introduced me actually wrote and presented something smart, plus the people who did come were really engaged, with great questions and it was fun hanging out and catching up with old and new friends afterwards, both in and out of the store, yay for brown rice sushi that didn't make me sick and tea and a photo booth! But next time I should probably go back to the Lucy Parsons Center where last time it was packed, or accept one of the offers sense in my direction by people who wanted to organize something for me but when I'm planning a whole tour, things get overwhelming and that was one of those things.

And now I'm overwhelmed again, just thinking about getting back on the train but not for so long, just to New York and then more things to figure out.

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