Friday, December 19, 2008

Before the plane, that flying I really want

Yes, the Cock, yes I'm there paying the same person who took the money 10 years ago, at least on certain days, a woman with a British accent probably so not too many people would get in for free I don't remember her letting anyone in for free but she’s always friendly and polite not the other kind of New York I mean not New York really except this is New York and we know she's been here for at least 10 years but the point is that yes, the Cock, and actually there is no smoke, they've changed the decor so that it looks like it looked like when it was at the original location not dislocation which used to be called Fat Cock and it was fancier but now it's gutted and dark and so packed it's hard to get anywhere, especially to the coat check way in the back but you won't believe what they’re playing, Andee you won't believe it Andee they’re playing I got my education. I got my education. I got my education. I will take early ‘90s nostalgia any moment I mean I don't miss the early ‘90s but I do miss the music.

Anyway, then of course I'm looking for the sex, not like before with a back room now there are no back rooms this is the new New York although that was the new New York too but this is newer: more pea coats and cologne. Anyway I'm loving the music but ready for sex, swallowing someone's come is such a great starter I don't feel crazed just confident. Two guys on the bench making out, I say why don't you suck his cock? But they're shy, people are shy now it’s flirty but everyone's waiting. The first guy leaning somewhat against me isn't the hottest one around but why am I looking for standards I mean he's hot this big guy with a soft muscularity maybe more Chelsea then East Village but what is East Village now except for pea coats anyway, shaved head and I kiss him on the neck and then we're making out and he's grabbing my dick, hard, and he wants to go in the bathroom, why the bathroom -- there are too many people waiting in line to do bumps in the bathroom.

Do you see what I mean about the newer New York? He’s from the Dominican Republic, which is old New York but I'm not sure when he got here, in this bar, if it was before or after and I say why don't you suck my dick right here? Here, he says, like I just said something desirable but impossible, false naïveté of course that's New York forever. So I take my dick out and he squeezes it, lets out one of those sounds of desire I can never quite name it somewhere in between a moan and a grunt and a groan and I pull his head over and I'm kissing him and the two guys on the bench are leaning forward to see and trying to look like they're not leaning forward but then the guy I'm kissing gets shy and goes to the bathroom.

I sit down on the bench and say people are shy here, that's to the two guys making out and one of them has had his hand on the other guy's neck the whole time I say what’s that hand for? I say you could keep your hand on his head just like that while he's sucking your cock.

This is what I like about my mood and I want it to be a turning point, I mean not in my mood here tonight where I'm still assessing the air periodically with a deep inhale just to make sure but really no smoke. It doesn't smell good or anything -- there's no air everyone's sweating but there's no smoke and so I kind of love it. But my mood, a turning point, I mean I'm going right up to everyone and right away hitting on them, like I'm waiting in line for a urinal and I keep kissing guys on the neck, talking to people about the music yes the music, laughing, at first I think the guy next to me is the guy I was kissing, do I really say I thought you were someone else he says there is no one else, you're right I say and I'm kissing him while he’s pissing not so much cruising as a kind of friendliness that maybe only happens in 2 am bars known for sluttiness where I have a history and therefore a sense of place that makes me feel like I can make things happen. Or maybe something has changed and I can just go right up to guys like this, here or anywhere that's what I'm hoping.

When I'm done pissing, there's this guy with black glasses and a collared shirt with some angles maybe a soft leather suburban urban but cute I start kissing him but he's waiting for the urinal and then when I'm back near the bench there's that preppy guy with the white button down, the one I mentioned too early but forgot to mention on the way to the bathroom, kissing his neck and he’s wearing the other kind of cologne, not vetiver the kind that just smells like cologne and nothing else like you'll never get it out but I kiss his neck twice anyway, once on each side, a little bit of a bite but not too much because there's this other guy with his shirt off, waxed chest Chelsea wannabe who's already got him looking at something in his boxers I don't want to interrupt but he says are your friends? Then he says it again: are you friends?

Aren't we all friends?

Here’s the other thing about this bar and other bars like it in New York: I'm totally an item, and I don't have to perform one particular thing in order to stay that way -- I can make a queeny jokes, laugh about the music, and then get down for someone's cock I mean that hasn't happened yet but you know it's on the horizon I love that horizon when it's so certain. But let's back up for a second to talk about this factor of being an item, even though the bar’s gone more mainstream with a mix of mostly Chelsea types looking for edge and preppy college types, some black and Latino fags who don't particularly fit one of those categories, and then some East Village stubble types but not much of the fashionista attitude that's what surprises me -- maybe because it's a weekend.

But anyway then I'm on my knees for the guy with the white button down, I can’t tell you exactly how it happens because first it's waxed chest who's over there but not for long and I’m giving him white button-down all sorts of extra rubbing on legs and stomach and chest just to tell him I appreciate him and then the best part is when I stand up for all that crazed kissing with the fruity taste in his mouth, later I realize it's probably what he was drinking but it doesn't taste like alcohol it tastes like purity. I love all this kissing the way his time reaches forward and stays there and I grab his head when he starts to pull away then down for his cock again hands inside pants going up calves until he starts to pull away I grab his head for more fruit but he has to look for his friend and I know that means I won't see him again but it's okay.

I think I started in the wrong place, because it doesn't make sense that that was the first guy whose dick I sucked, hands grabbing my hair it's funny because when I had hair that looked messy I didn't like people messing it up but now that my hair is in a neater style I'm okay with it. Or maybe I'm just okay with this guy grabbing my hair, and then the next one, and then the next one, and then the next one. I mean there really are that many, that's what so amazing it's like I stand up and into someone's arms or mouth around their dick, tasting the difference of size and thrust and motion. Then falling down onto bench for the guy in the striped shirt, shaved head a lot of shaved head here and his is receding at first his dick remains semi-hard which means semi-soft so not that exciting but then when I sit up and I'm kissing him, really grabbing his head and making out that's what’s so hot about this place the making out in so many sex spaces there's no making out. I mean it's also hot because there are so many guys you I mean I want to make out with and that makes the making out hotter and then when he pushes my head back down for his dick suddenly there's that thickness at the base maybe that was the urgency, the thing that hurts my jaw but usually I just get into the role anyway and let my jaw hurt but this time I'm proud of myself for pulling away and going back to kissing him.

But the guy from the bathroom, I don't even know if I really met him in the bathroom but he’s the one most into me the one with the black glasses I can tell by the way he's kissing no that's not true because the preppy guy was the most crazed about kissing but this is the guy who's most into me who isn't also going to run away or wait maybe I don't realize that until later because first he runs away and then I end up sucking this other guys dick, this cute young guy whose neck I first kissed in the bathroom when these two hot guys in tank tops were blocking the door by making out, almost like an action because they were both black guys and not so many black guys here in the bar if so they’re not making out with one another and this other guy walked by, a young Latino with wispy coiffed hair and they grabbed him and said isn't he cute but he seemed shy except now there's his dick in my mouth and then someone else’s no wait first someone else's mouth and then my mouth and then someone else's again oh the choreography on this bench of home in the back and every now and then a bright light but it's just someone checking his cellphone.

I want to talk about my facial expression, there's something about the way I look at guys here that tells them you’re mine yes get over here just kiss me right now I mean I do this weird thing where I kind of nod my head or not nod but the reverse where you lean up and then down with your chin not down and then up but mostly my eyes and the way I feel completely fearless. This is something I need to study and hold and keep for other places not known for the manifestation of desire in quite the same ways. The Cock is like a sex club except better -- crowded with the guys who I actually want to have sex with and they want me too, remember what I said once about the places where fashion trumps masculinity, this isn't quite one of those places but it's something about the way it's supposed to be edgy that forces down the traditional boundaries of gay masculinity or maybe it just lets me inside. Or maybe the boundaries still exist but they are crossed more, across age across fashion across demographic. Probably I could go to a bar with more inhibitions maybe even one of the bars next-door and no longer would some Chelsea guy or college realness or casual stubble fashion be reaching back for my crotch, instead that more common look of surprise mixed with disdain.

Of course not everyone is inside the boundaries of desirability, especially the guys with obvious facial wasting, guys not passing as 40s or younger who lurk in the shadows, literally lurking and waiting and lurking until they’re inside just by proximity and you feel that sudden mouth or hand before you see it, also the guys not passably muscular or skinny, especially when weight and race or age and weight combine like the fat black girls who join the lurkers right at the end where were they before? Or not quite lurkers because they’re pushing and grasping and taking too but still lurking and therefore getting but the end is the sad part I don't want to get there. So let's stay here, here on the bench in the back of the Cock with this guy’s cock in my mouth it doesn't matter whose cock really what matters is that I get to hug him soon or if I don't get to hug him at least I get to eat his come and then hug someone else or even make out with someone else's come in my mouth, what could be better? And when I kiss someone's neck and he's not interested, that's just part of the routine there's no fallout I'm not sure that would be the same in other places but here people lean into you and then you hug them and bite their necks and rub their chests and suck their cocks and sure people run away from time to time but there's always someone else.

When is the guy who was waiting in line for the coat check at the very beginning, I mean when does he come into the story, because I asked him if I could check his coat because I was getting in front of him the way everyone pushes forward and I could tell he wasn't pushing. And he said thanks, no one ever does that they just ignore you, and then later, yes later he comes up to me and says there you are and we're making out and then maybe it's him or maybe it's not him whose cock I'm sucking later later, after everything shifts to secretive and territorial but maybe eating his come is worth it I'm eating a lot of come tonight it's like some crazy fantasy except I wasn't even fantasizing about it I mean I wouldn't fantasize about eating this much come sucking this much cock it would seem like a joke, right? Although, truthfully, come just mixes with wet with spit with the liquid air and it's all that pain we are breathing.

Maybe the borderline is when the music changes from jumpy ‘90s queeny bitch house to bad top 40 diva rap, maybe that's when I should leave. Maybe right after I'm talking to another guy while I'm pissing, another kind of kissing, talking about how the music just became crap and he says it's just good dance music but then realizes I just called it crap and he gets confused. Maybe a language barrier he's European I like all the surprises in accents here when people talk I don't remember that as much before. I’ve already told myself that I'll leave before last call because that way I can get my coat before the rush and it's already 3:25 I should leave but I'm crazed for more this never happens this expansive flow of falling into arms and legs around cocks and eyes but eventually everything has quieted down except this group in the corner I can't tell if they're doing drugs or it's sex but they're pushed right up against each other like they're creating a secret space and when you try to look you can't quite see it until I see that someone's on his knees and then I'm there too, kissing this guy with mod hair, square bangs he's one of the cutest ones but ignored my earlier kissing, sometimes I realize that when they ignore me it makes them more excited later, I'm not sure how to explain it except the way he's kissing me, yes for more tongue and his cock, wow his cock I don't know how to explain what makes his cock so hot except wait, I guess it's him he's so pretty and cocky too there's a reason those words are the same but also the thickness and the way it’s so surprisingly hard, maybe surprising because he’s so coked out and that's probably where I get the coke in my mouth, he was the one creating the territory in the beginning and I should've stayed away for all those reasons but instead I'm on my knees for his cock, yes his cock is he one of the guys who comes in my mouth I'm not even sure.

But wait -- before this is the guy with the black glasses, he's back in he says you're fun and I’ve got him up against the wall until I say do you want me to suck your cock, I say it because there's something also shy about him and I can't say that I wait for him to answer but I can say that I'm down there, that's just before the one with the square bangs but this is where everyone is kind of frantic to come which is kind of hot when it's the guy up against the wall who was maybe in line with me, hot when it's just us but when people are practically pushing you over to get somewhere something now this they need it now pushing for one corner when it doesn't have to be in this corner before it felt like it was opening up to the world and now it feels secretive and desperate and there’s that numbness in my mouth just before or just after I come, not the way I would like to come, frantic too and not even hard because I've waited so long past blow jobs that weren’t working when they came from the people I wanted where they weren't coming from the people I wanted and anyway I like waiting I should keep waiting that's what I'm thinking after I come but I worry that later is when I'll feel more frantic but then there's that annoying part where all these people are pushing forward to get their lips around my dick or their hands on a little bit of that gunk and I have to push them all away just so that I can have something like an orgasm. Why can't it be all of us holding each other letting it all out with one collective sigh I mean not all at once but I don't know just present for someone else's needs this is the part where it doesn't feel like that it feels sad. Except then I’m making out with the guy with the black glasses again and he wants to go home with me but I don't want to go home with anyone at 4 am, you remember that from the beginning and then I'm in line at the coat check, worried that someone’s coke got in my mouth, worried that I didn't leave early enough because now I can smell smoke from outside, pot smoke just a few minutes before, I could've left earlier and everything would be fine I hate thinking this way.

Outside into the cold yes cold but it doesn't even feel cold anymore and some people are waiting around while others are frantic in the street for cabs and there's the guy with square bangs not mod but preppy, the bangs are actually quite short not all that much longer than a crewcut I should have mentioned that earlier, there he is in a tailored pea coat and I kiss him on the neck and you won't believe this, you really won't believe it. He says: thanks man.

Really. That's what he says. In this ridiculous butch dude voice like we’re in the frat together and I'm startled because I thought he was one of the queenier looking people in the bar. Oh well. The taxi driver is one of those straight guys who wants to talk about how gay guys flirt with him, this one goes to FIT, says he's probably the only straight guy fashion design student, can you imagine that? Gay guys are the best people to go out with, he says. Didn't I have this cab driver before?

Okay, so I'm trying to get in bed as soon as possible, after taking my immune tincture, throat spray, more amino acids, eating, worrying about whether I'm wired because of the coke, hating myself for not leaving earlier just a little bit earlier just a half hour earlier, amazed that when I stretch I can actually do this one thing that I haven't been able to do since my back locked up two weeks ago it seems like a long time but it was only two weeks maybe all the sex helped my back instead of hurting it, wondering if my sinuses will be destroyed, sad that I don't have someone to make out with that I don't have phone numbers that no one wants phone numbers at places like that where they think they shouldn’t give them out I mean almost no one, sad that it's over, wondering whether I should go back again before I leave even though the second time is never like, you know what I mean, wishing I didn't come and then I would still feel that amazing charge or at least that's what I tell myself, sad already because I was sad before and I'm sad again, sad that I didn't leave at exactly the right moment and when will I ever get back there, back to so much of what I want but I never get I mean I mean it's been years since something like this so flawed yet so perfect nothing nearly so perfect in years and I'm wondering again if I'm wired because of the coke even though it could only be a tiny tiny bit still I'm so fragile yet strong for those two hours I want that strength I want that piece of my heart that's missing without that space that kind of space I'm already missing and so often I feel like I've given up. Remember I was trying to regain a sense of hope in my own sexuality, a sense of hope I've lost and over the past year I feel like I've only lost more of that hope but then there are moments or make that hours like these when I get back to what I want, not quite the hope I'm looking for but at least a sense of opening and then I think oh, I have to get to that place I really really have to get to that place in me in so much I need to take all of the steps no matter how stupid or awkward or scary or lonely or desperate they feel, all of the steps I need to take them but I'm about to get on a plane, this is a week later it's already a week later and I'm really about to get on the plane I mean tomorrow. Already my sinuses are destroyed, nose running throat itching this morning even something like a cough in spite of all the remedies and herbs and formulas I've been taking in spite of all that I still feel congested and even without the congestion there’s that wall that spreads through my head that wall of longing to feel something other than this feeling that everything can only lead to this feeling. I'm getting on a plane tomorrow and I want to get off into dreams yes dreams two-and-a-half months away from San Francisco and I feel like now I can really do something I mean I know what I'm lacking and maybe I can do something to fix that lack that's how I feel now, before the plane, in spite of all the congestion, in spite of all the walls all the falls in spite of all the longing and collapse and more walls I think I'm ready for the search yes the search, before the plane.

6 comments:

stephen said...

i am about to go to nyc. i hope my trip to the cock is just as exciting!! xxx

Oli said...

oh yay, the Cock- and oh, I love reading about you and nyc, and you are so right about the peacoat thing. And I love, "Thanks man." !!! I guess he could have said bro...

kayti said...

I think we are all friends. I wish everyone wasn't shy all the time.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Stephen, I'm still here -- I will call you to see if you're here...

Oli, me and NYC, we're still here it seems, man -- I mean bro... I mean dude bro later sup.

Kayti, that's beautiful -- "I wish everyone wasn't shy all the time" -- yes yes yes yes YES!!!!

Love --
mattilda

Chris said...

The door woman's name was Irene. I made out with her one night to see if she would let me in for free.

Half price. She's a tough one, Irene.

I wonder if she still works there...

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Ha -- I love it!!!

Love--
mattilda