Monday, December 08, 2008

A drill -- getting drilled? No, just this drill in my back not that kind just ouch no more drill!

So here's the thing: I always say that when I'm in DC or when I see my mother I sink into this deep, dark depression and I start thinking that's the only reality I should just stay there who am I kidding by trying to find anything else? but then once I leave it actually clears, even if I don't believe it will clear it does or maybe it doesn't clear but it gets better. Which happens right when I get off the train in New York and immediately I'm all excited I guess New York is exciting, exciting upon arrival, and then I actually sleep pretty well so the next day is smoother than I thought but then there's today, after waking up in the middle of the night without a way to turn without pain, this drill right in the middle of my back between shoulder blades it's worse when I'm on my side, either side but it's not so much better on my back either. Usually I talk about sinus pain as a drill through my head but this is a different kind of drill: turn, no, turn the other way, no, get up? I don't want to get up.

Then the next day it's hard to do much I mean I don't want to do that much anyway but I don't want to feel like I can't do anything. I’ve banned myself from craigslist because in DC I went there when I was so tired I couldn't function and that didn't exactly help me to function. Usually on tour I go to a lot of sex clubs but this time I've been too tired or maybe it just seems like a distraction or maybe I'm too tired and it seems like a distraction. You know the drill between loneliness and alone, that one hurts too. There's nowhere to go in New York, anyway, nowhere that would be fun except maybe a few places with too much smoke and I'm not going to risk that.

Of course there's that other kind of drilling people talk about, on knees or bent over and I wouldn't turn it down if it were approaching me on the street sometimes I see it in people's eyes but then there's the cold and everything else and I don't know if it's really what I'm seeing anyway.

This drill comes from inside, in the middle of my back it's strange how, as soon as I mention the construction metaphors of sex then this pain sounds funny too but it's not funny so I'm going to have to go back and think of different words or make them work in a different way it meets with the words I can do that. It almost seems like everything I can do aggravates this pain, sex too I'm certain though I'm not certain I can do that. Definitely when I'm sitting at this table or holding my shoulders up high in the cold, or sleeping I guess, sleeping seems to aggravate it the most and I'm thinking of going to a movie except I think that might be just as bad, I have to sleep but I don't have to go to this movie. Or not now, anyway. Although I'm not sure what else to do. Here I am trying to catch up on writing, but really I don't have enough energy for writing either.

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