Sunday, December 14, 2008

I'll keep trying

I decide not to take the train. I would like to say that I decide to take the train at a later date, a later date when I might feel better, but that's just not the case. What’s actually true is that I decide not to take the train, I mean I decide not to take the train because it's not an option, other than on the date when I'm scheduled to leave, until after the holidays, because sleeper cars on the train are fully booked until after the new year. And I can't take the train now because of this back pain that wakes me up in the middle of the night and then I'm destroyed, every night it seems now, and it's pretty likely that this pain would get way worse on the train. Plus I'd have to wake up earlier than usual to catch the train, which always means that I don't sleep because I keep worrying that I'm sleeping too late, then I would arrive in Chicago at 9:45 am which is like arriving at the end of the world, and then stay in Chicago for only two days to somehow get groceries and cook for two extra days, and then get up too early again to catch the train with probably more back pain and who knows what else.

So I decide not to take the train, and I guess you probably know what that means. I'm having trouble saying it, because when I say that a plane destroys my life for two months I really mean it, really really mean it and. And I'm taking a plane. A first-class seat, just in case that helps, but still a plane and I want to think it will be okay, I mean I'm doing it so that it won't cause me more pain, I want to feel great on the day that I get on the plane, I want to feel like maybe this time will be different and when I get off the plane it will be like nothing bad has ever happened to me, blue sky inside and outside or maybe that's too much I'm getting carried away I just want to think that maybe it'll be okay. I thought that last time, two years ago when I got stuck in Chicago and ended up taking off in a plane and even when I arrived it felt relaxing I thought maybe this is the answer. And then. And then.

So it's hard not to feel like it's the beginning of the end. I have a week to rest, and I'm hoping that helps, but it hasn't helped yet I mean maybe it would help if I could rest I mean sleep without interruption that's rest, right? I'll keep trying.


Hilary Goldberg said...

i hope this time it's different...sending you love and magical day dreams.

kayti said...

So sorry.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thanks, Hilary and Kayti -- and yes to magical day dreams!

Love --