Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Just to lose myself in these lips

Right when I walk into the Cock it feels like a different bar, different from the other night because all the lights are on I mean the dramatic white lights behind bar and on the sides and in the back and it makes everything look fancier, especially the people and immediately I regret that I took my earrings off before coming inside, left them in Paula’s car because I don't want to lose my earrings while sucking cock, especially when it was supposed to be lights off night, that's what the flyers said, lights off and no limits, I wasn't too excited about the no limits part because usually that just means barebacking but years ago this was my favorite night, Sunday night I had to come every Sunday night because the whole bar was sex not just the backroom and the music was great too, a mix of old house and industrial and runway I can't remember if people danced on Sundays usually I danced but I can't remember if I danced on Sundays. My rule used to be that at the Cock I should go right to the backroom or dance, but not hang out in the front because otherwise I would get all coked out and I didn't want coke I wanted dancing and sex and other things too but dancing and sex I could find.

Tonight the music isn't good or bad it's just unmemorable, even while it's playing you forget it. I feel edgier than last time, maybe it's the attitude and lights or I didn't eat enough but I go to the back anyway, tonight it's blocked off by a wall of illuminated white vertical blinds, almost a white cube actually because it's on three sides maybe some gallery person designed it you part the one of the side walls like a curtain and inside it's like a sex club but better lighting, sex club crowd too which I'm not too excited about since that's what I usually find, everyone fighting some sort of middle age and this time there are two guys getting fucked against the wall like maybe it’s a stable for bald guys getting fucked, ride the ride me ride me. Both guys fucking are back-to-the-wall and then the two guys in front bent over, one of the guys doing the riding looks confused like how did my dick get in this horse and I'm looking around to see if there's anyone I'm hot for.

I'm wondering about the difference between stubble and scenester stubble, of course there's the fashion that goes with it but sometimes there's the high-fashion look imitating the ‘70s clone and I'm wondering how that collides with the people who were actually working that look in the ‘70s still working it today, do they get extra points after so many years of enduring tacky alienation? Will they get six months of realness before fading into the decor again?

You know the answer, and the guy with stubble who I’m kissing, not scenester stubble this is more leather stubble, a guy in his 40s with a round smiley face that's why I like him, maybe what he's working is masculinity but with a smile I like him in spite of the cigarette taste until he says want to suck my dick, man, yes he says man -- there it is again but not like the guy from the other night a vision of gay boy femininity until that tragic utterance, this time he's not trying to prove anything or if he is trying to prove something he's not trying too hard it's like something he's heard in a porn video so let's put it at the end of the sentence, Mary I mean man his dick is short and very hard, round belly after a while I'm trying to decide if I'm turned on or if this is mechanical, maybe both and I'm rubbing someone's legs, the guy sucking the cock of the guy I was sucking earlier I almost forgot about him I touched his chest very hard and kissed him but he seemed confused a drug haze for sure I sucked his cock anyway but then got bored I was thinking this is lowest common denominator attraction I liked his chest, went for his cock. Although what is it about face that isn’t lowest common denominator, I guess because I rarely has expression -- definition, sure, but expression? I don't look at someone's chest and think I know something about him, I mean something beyond how often he goes to the gym I can't look at his it's like eyes really, although what do I think when I look in someone's eyes? No one here really looks each other in the eyes, that's what I'm thinking.

Anyway, I'm looking at the guy who was sucking but now he's standing next to me, trying to decide if he's hot -- a worn-out Euro sensibility, what makes it a Euro sensibility he's probably Latino so what do I mean anyway except another kind of stubble over contemporary fashion no longer contemporary I'm trying to decide if he's hot, the guy whose dick I was sucking is sucking my cock and he's pretty good at it but then I pull away because I don't want to come and then he's saying something about how he wants to watch me with someone else, more porn talk and then I'm sucking Euro sensibility’s cock, soon enough I can tell he's about to come maybe it's the taste or the rhythm of his thrusts and there it is, yes, and then I'm standing up to kiss him but he's running away -- I was right anyway, eating come is a good way to start -- I feel so much more present and confident, back into the bar to see who I'm hot for. First guy I kiss on the neck says aw, aw! Then I bite his neck and he says aw! I think mostly because he's so drunk he can't do much else so then I'm rubbing this preppy guy’s sweater, soft argyle I like the way the features of his face are worn but soft too and there's an anger there, that part I don't like, back into the front of the bar the hair ladies have arrived, young fashionista damage but also it's super-crowded like the moment I entered the Cock last time, without these fashionistas who allure but mostly attitude but anyway everything packed with so much anticipation and there's Sean who I ran into at the other bar and he gave me such a great hug I always love hugging Sean and kissing his neck.

I guess here is where I should mention that I left a queer space for this gay one, the queer space was filled with flamboyant characters of different genders, all dancing but then the music got bad I'm so picky about music and it wasn't crowded enough and too noisy to have conversations that meant anything so I came here, here where I thought I knew what to expect but it's different and more angry tonight, the thing I hate the most is the way all the fashion or attitude types push their way through the back room with snotty looks of disapproval or haughty I'm too good for you stares but then they're back in five minutes pushing their way through again I mean really pushing until people are falling over and that's where all this anger comes in, but first I'm looking to see if there's anyone I'm really hot for, this is after my first time going through the bar after eating come and kissing three people's necks but they weren’t feeling it or maybe I wasn't feeling it and who was the third one anyway? Maybe the guy in all red, super-skinny and even a red silk scarf around his neck, maybe-red hair too and I studied his features but decided he was too coked out, stared him right in the eyes anyway the other way of cruising the way that doesn't get me that much because people are scared we’re all scared it's better to make a more definite move, that's why I go for the skinny guy at the end of the back room, skinny with curly hair and no defined fashion choices except that nondescript European look again, this time he might be Greek and he’s talking to his friend in the white button-down I wonder about people who stand and talk in back rooms, talking while sort of standing apart so I go up to him and kiss him on the neck he's rubbing my crotch and his friend leans over and says he is my cousin, take care of him or I'll hurt you, very matter of fact and no threat in voice I figure he's joking but you never know with jokes like that and I kiss this guy on the neck some more, over to lips but he moves away so then down for his cock already hard and way too fat this is when my jaw will hurt I can already feel my jaw hurting but then there's the way he pulls my hair with his hand and I can't stop I even think of opening his belt to get all the way down but sometimes the people who think they're too good in these spaces don't want you to undo the belt, or for more practical reasons like you might lose your wallet, anyway then he's already doing it and all I know that that means is I’m going all the way down and hurting my jaw, after a while it starts to feel athletic and is he really talking to someone about a party he's throwing, there will be drugs -- all kinds of drugs -- coke, whatever you want -- I stand up to kiss him again, taking my dick out hard now before it wasn’t hard I got self-conscious with his hands pushing through quarter I but now he's buttoning up and doesn't pay attention I kiss him on the lips anyway he says thanks.

So actually this is the moment when I walk back into the bar and think this is the moment, the moment when it's packed with attitude and frenzy and Sean who I know from San Francisco says he's overwhelmed but he wants to make out with someone, I bite his neck a few times and then say we can make out but when he kisses me it's kind of like a joke like we're sisters so I ask him who he wants to make out with, first guy he points to is the guy whose dick I just sucked so I feel accomplished I don't say that but I do say I think I just sucked his dick and Sean says you've accomplished a lot in 45 minutes, see I am accomplished but I don't say more no need to scare him with my jaw breaking feats and then he points out another guy, similar look -- thick, curly hair, dark features, maybe Greek, neither super-fashiony or not fashiony I'm wondering if Paula is trying to call me so I go into the bathroom to see if I can hear my voicemail, no messages and then back to the back room where now everyone is pushing and I hug this guy with scenester stubble, big nerdy ‘70s fashion glasses, thick black rims but not like the black rims from the other night that guy was more ‘90s designer glasses, what was once on the edge now in the middle. I hug him but he pushes through and I stand in the back and hug him again the next time he comes through since he's the one I really want see I fall for that scenester stubble, kiss on neck, kiss on neck the third time and then the fourth time I just say do you want me to suck your dick and he does, it's funny how three times of rejection doesn't mean rejection it just means I was trying the wrong thing, no intimacy just action, anyway I'm there until this other guy sucking pushes me back so hard I can't figure out why, my neck bent at some strange angles so I stand up and I'm talking to the first guy in the corner asking why do they push -- I realize I sound delirious I mean I am delirious this guy is probably thinking drunk and maudlin so I exaggerate it to play up the character which is really me, why do they have to push it hurts it's tiring me out it's annoying why can't they just participate and he’s not quite amused, that's when I try for soft sweater again, I hope I don't turn into one of those guys who keeps pushing I keep my gestures soft and intimate, not like the guy who grabs my dick and holds, grabs my dick and holds, grabs my dick and holds, yes each time I push him away but remember everyone's pushing. Back to soft sweater, he's just outside the back room, one of the guys who lurks outside, right outside so therefore guilty and not guilty why not choose one or the other I wish these people would choose. And this is when I realize his distance is partially because of coke, the way his eyes look out and in everywhere and nowhere and that's part of what makes everyone so pushy, aside from the fact that they've never dealt with the way desire can create something else in these spaces they don't want that, maybe a room alone the way it's supposed to be but not here with everyone looking touching grasping it could be so much more. Soft sweater is fixated on someone working long-haired ‘70s blond, more confusing when they're almost but not quite old enough to have been there instead of 25 so then you know immediately it's just fashion, anyway he's fixated on this guy and his fashion, or more precisely his crotch and this is when I end up sucking scenester stubble’s cock, maybe part of the scenester in the stubble is the way it’s so even all around but wild and outgrown gives extra points at least in San Francisco, haven't seen that look here yet but when I stand up he's kissing another guy working ‘70s blond, this one has curly hair I noticed him earlier but wasn't sure about something in his eyes maybe that's what it is about faces you think you see something you might know.

Anyway I'm good at sensing an opportunity when I see one so soon it's the three of us making out making out making out, even while everyone pushes up against us, past and around us until we're against the wall and then thinking about all this attitude directed towards the guys sucking like it's some degraded position that's another thing I hate about tonight I'm already hating it even while making out and realizing this is what I've been looking for the whole night, just to lose myself in these lips and tongues and teeth, throats, mouths, hands but really the way everything pushes together even if this is the guy who didn't want to make out, maybe because I was one of those degraded, three times in a row until after I started sucking his dick, which I'm doing again until it hurts too much because of all the pushing and eventually the blond guy is sucking until I come all over his face and hair and people are grabbing for the evidence they want evidence on their fingers instead of a carress to take me further to take us all further, no caresses here.

Then I'm kissing these guys goodbye, back into the bathroom to look at my hair and that's when Paula calls, perfect timing, did I mention they have a smoke machine, I saw it earlier and went to hide in the back room, white smoke to go with the white lights and white walls but we all know it's my downfall anyway, coat check and the guy is still giving me attitude for so many layers in spite of a three dollar tip and there's Sean again, in the front with the guy from the back and two others he introduces me to one, the second I say I think we met and he says yes, definitely, which is not quite sweet but definitely satisfied, another kiss on his lips because he might not want it and the third one with the curly faux hawk type thing all coked out in distance remember I always used to say avoid the front of the bar but I'll admit my attraction to these boys anyway, physical attraction I mean and then I'm out the door with all my layers in my hand and Paula's laughing because my hair is messed up, earlier she said she liked it messed up you look so cute so I pose for the camera phone and then I'm in the car, grateful that she's rescued me and I’m saying oh, why do they have to push and I already know tomorrow I'll hate that place even more and the next day I'll long for it

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