Thursday, December 11, 2008

This is the night

There's something so amazing about that moment when I get in bed and think oh, this is what I should be doing all the time this is the best thing I've ever done in my life this is what I need thank you thank you thank you. Sometimes that moment even lasts into sleep that comforts and when it's interrupted I sink right back in and think oh, this is the night, this is the night when everything.

Except. Except it's not that night, because then I'm turning back and forth and at first that's okay too I just tell myself I'll fall back asleep soon, soon I'll fall back asleep it's okay I'm just awake for a moment it's okay. But then there's that pain in the middle of my back, that pain between my shoulder blades and then. And then. And then there's that pain, that pain between my shoulder blades. And then I'm awake, really awake and thinking about everything that's gone wrong just little details every little detail and it all leads to how the hell am I going to leave to go back to San Francisco on the train when I'm already in all this pain how the hell am I going to get back to sleep with all this pain how the hell am I going to get back to San Francisco?

So then tonight's the night well now it's day I might as well admit it’s day it's day it's day! It's day and I get out of bed to take amino acids maybe amino acids will calm me and then back in bed to call Gina to say not today, today I can't meet I can't meet today even though it's the only day to meet and edit our movie there's too much pain. And then I'm laughing because I'm delirious and I can't form full sentences I know what I want to say but it doesn't come out right. Delirious is better than panic I’ll take delirious any day oh it's okay in this big white bed white sheets white comforter white walls white shutters and not too much light because it's raining and it's the ground floor this is New York there's not too much light anyway and on days like today that's comforting.

Oh, but I can't meet today I mean I think I can't meet no I can't meet I mean what am I saying? That's how my sentences go, eventually I'm talking about that moment right when I get in bed and I think oh this is everything I've ever needed everything here between my body and these sheets my body in these sheets sometimes I even like my body in that moment but I don't say that. I say and then it never lasts, it never lasts it never lasts it never lasts.

And then it takes me a few moments to notice I'm not just laughing I'm crying too, crying in with the rhythm of the laughter the laughter the tears and the white sheets the comforter too warm except now it actually feel comforting.


kayti said...

Sorry this was not the night for you. Tell us more about this movie with Gina. I hope your home soon.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

I know -- exactly! More on the movie soon -- it's based on my column in make/shift (also a post here, I believe), "All That Sheltering Emptiness," and will feature a voiceover of that piece with abstract images of chandeliers in hotel lobbies -- an experimental piece of maybe six minutes or so...

Love --