Saturday, January 24, 2009


Before I was sleeping relatively well, and feeling awful, so I guess the good thing about sleeping horribly for the last three days is that now I realize that before I was feeling better. Mainly, I was able to go on relatively long walks and even to Buena Vista Park without destroying myself. And -- wait, now I can’t remember and.

And. And. Let me refresh my not-quite-memory. Before I was feeling awful, but now I realize I was feeling better, I mean still awful really awful just as awful as I thought but better than I feel now -- that’s what I mean. But somehow I can’t remember what was better. Oh -- I didn’t have a sore throat. And: my body didn’t feel as fragile. What do I mean by fragile? I mean not as edgy, physically edgy like I could turn and hurt myself, just from turning that is -- of course, I could always turn and hurt myself, but now the possibility feels more present, more than possibility actually because it’s the way there are these little pricks and pulls on the sides of my neck like the tendons are more pronounced I can feel the structure and the structure is pain, little bruises on the tops of my shoulders, the burning on the bottoms of my forearms, wrists.

What’s strange about writing is that simultaneously I feel more tension which leads to pain, but also my head clears and then I feel like maybe there’s a way out of this pain, there goes the top of the arch of my right foot, burning, but somehow it’s no longer so overwhelming, remember to breathe, assess the situation -- is this a good way to sit or am I too far forward? Okay, now my body is more on my sit bones, burning on the sides of chest, tension in jaw, burning along the collarbone into shoulders, but what is it that feels better -- maybe it feels better because I’m paying attention I mean the pain isn’t making me pay attention I’m just scanning it, okay better go before it gets worse.


Keidy said...

I hope your feeling better then your previous state of misery soon. Maybe writing about your mother made things worse. I know I always feel like shit when you write about her.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Today might be better, I mean it's better so far -- let's hope for today! But as for writing, writing always or almost always helps, even writing about my mother...

Love --