Thursday, January 29, 2009

Everything I wanted to write about, and more

I just threw a box of pistachios down the trash chute, not a full box maybe half no a third or possibly just a quarter maybe 20 pistachios I was doing okay with the pistachios I mean they were kind of digesting for a few weeks every few days I would have maybe 10 pistachios an attempt to get a healthy fat into my diet and it was mostly okay except sometimes they would give me gas or my stomach would bloat but it wasn’t too bad. Today I need escape, escape from this headache from this exhaustion from all the things I want to write about from pistachios no not from pistachios I ate a pistachio thinking maybe this will help. Immediately my stomach bloated, I ate a second one, confusion in my head not confusion about the pistachio but confusion from the pistachio that allergy feeling, a third one because they tasted good but then I realized oh, I have to throw these out right away so I don’t eat any more.

Usually I wait for someone to come over, offer them pistachios -- organic pistachios, even -- but I can feel my stomach clenching up it’s time to get rid of these pistachios. Maybe it’s something about how they get rancid after the box is open for a while or probably they’re already rancid but my body develops an intolerance so fast oh right, I almost forgot I was getting ready to steam broccoli when I decided to try a pistachio, protein to nourish while waiting for the broccoli but no, maybe the trash chute will enjoy the pistachios or the plastic garbage bin at the bottom or the elevator when the maintenance person drags the plastic bins into the elevator which now smells like rotten beer or maybe someone later going through the garbage, right I should’ve put them outside what was I thinking I was thinking I can’t have these pistachios here for one moment longer or I’ll hurt myself with them.

I hate the way these things work. Today I wanted to write about Derek, I wanted to write how maybe he cut me out of my life I mean his life because it was so easy because we don’t have many friends in common because our daily hours barely intersect because our paths through the city don’t cross I hate that it was so easy I mean easy to accomplish and somehow I need to get that across not in an ambush but the messages I want to put out in the world when I feel a little better. I wanted to write about disability and direct action or about my body and my relationship to the risks that just used to feel like breathing not breathing but thinking and taking risks that are important risks that now feel like impossibilities and how do get back to a place of empowerment, I wanted to write about my mother and the games she plays today on the phone she said she would definitely have created the account but her investor said it would make her bankrupt by the time she was 78 she said I know I said that before I’m just repeating myself but the difference is that now I’m saying that he didn’t specify why it was just something he thought and it made me uncomfortable if he had said it would be no problem then of course I would’ve created the account right away. But my mother said she would create the account over two years ago and when I talked to her financial planner then he said fine, no problem, and then she said what? But I don’t want to write about my mother.

I want to write about this headache where did this headache come from either it started after I ate the flax oil it tasted so good usually when something tastes so good it means I’m going to be allergic, either it was the flax oil or it was the amino acids that I ran out of so I was taking another kind that gave me digestive problems the worst was two nights ago when I woke up from all the pain especially when turned to my left side the pressure on different organs I guess and today I finally got the amino acids that really work except maybe that’s where this headache comes from. I don’t want to talk about this headache. Oh right, the broccoli -- I wanted to steam the broccoli. I can talk about that, but I would rather just eat it.

What does it mean to have an empty stomach? Because that’s when you’re supposed to take the amino acids, but what happens if your stomach isn’t empty? Actually, it doesn’t say empty stomach, it says in between meals or with fruit or vegetable snack. How long does in between last, I mean if one meal is 20 minutes before the next one is that 20 minutes in between or is that one meal? I try to keep an hour in between when I take the amino acids, so it’s one half hour after and one half hour before, except for at the beginning of the day when it’s at the beginning of the day, 12 hours after my last meal maybe I should take all the amino acids right then or not all but 3 to 6 capsules once or twice daily between meals except not between meals but right then although for optimal results it may be necessary to double or triple the suggested dosage so 6 to 12 capsules once or twice daily between meals or 9 to 18 capsules once or twice daily between meals but wait, I’ve been taking three doses of four capsules, between meals, but it says once or twice daily. Is it okay to multiply the times, or just the capsules?

At least the broccoli is steaming, a vegetable snack, I haven’t taken the amino acids yet I mean I took them a few hours ago so it seems too early to take more, especially if it’s the amino acids that gave me the headache the headache I’m trying to escape I wanted to write about the last book I was reading, except that was when I wanted to like it more and then I didn’t like it that much so I didn’t want to write about it. I wanted to write about craigslist or not quite craigslist because remember I banned myself until February that was in November or December but now February is right around the corner so maybe I can think of something creative for craigslist but it’s hard to be creative when my sleep has gotten so much worse. I’m so much more exhausted and everything is an edge or a headache a helmet on my head but it doesn’t protect me when I’m trying and then if I don’t try it’s just exhaustion, slightly more comforting but I didn’t want to write about exhaustion.


Hilary Goldberg said...

do you think your mom is using the same financial planner as the people who allocated 50 mil for the arts spending? more for banks and for mom! i know it isn't culturally appropriate to talk about other people's mothers, but yours can be so triggering. love,hil

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

More funding for abusive mothers, yes it's a great idea let's run a campaign yes I can see it now let's start working on the sloganeering hiring the not-lobbyists thinking of imagery brainstorming the campaign yes the campaign yes...

Love --