Monday, January 05, 2009

A hat of pain

Meanwhile, I’m in the shower trying to figure out whether I want to go to Blow Buddies, I guess my newest idea is that I shouldn’t go if I’m already exhausted, just to see if I might get energy, because that doesn’t work I just end up walking around in circles feeling worse. But then, once I decide that no, I shouldn’t go, then I get more energy, so that’s when I think wait, maybe I should go.

The truth is that I’m trying not to get back into my old patterns in San Francisco, trying to stay engaged with this sense that I can create the spaces and places I really want or at least find new opportunities for connection that lightness in the head but it’s hard when I’m so exhausted I can barely function, that’s the thing I forget when I actually have energy: that I’m not just overwhelmed by the lack of inspiration in my engagement with the outside world, I’m overwhelmed by just about anything. For example, I just thought wait, let me take off his hat, it’s kind of hurting my head, and then I realized oh, I’m not wearing a hat.

A hat of pain, the surface of my brain no not my brain but what’s on top of it: skin and skull. I guess I’ve gotten to the point when the plane is kicking in, kicking me in the head because I don’t think the effects of the smoke machine would last this long although really when I get so sensitive it’s hard to figure out whether I’m tired because I did too much or whether I’m tired because I didn’t do enough or whether I’m just tired, because I know I’m going to be tired, do you see what I’m saying? Yesterday, or maybe it was in bed earlier today, I thought wait, if the smoke machine is going to affect me this much, then I might as well just go out. Which doesn’t exactly make sense, except when everything affects me this much – last night I went on a walk and it was so hard to avoid everyone’s Saturday night smoking that the air didn’t even feel that feel that fresh, in spite of the chill we’re getting here in San Francisco now – I didn’t used to wear wool here at all, but now it makes sense. Although it doesn’t help my jaw, why does my jaw hurt so much today – I hope it isn’t because of the feldenkrais CD, another disaster in the making I hate when everything becomes a disaster -- that’s me, walking up the hill and I’m a disaster. Strange when it clears for a few moments of talking with Randy at the Thai restaurant where I’m only getting steamed vegetables, talking about Montréal and how it was the city on my tour that really intrigued me, especially the dynamics between Francophone and Anglophone cultures, like people kept telling me that there was no word in French for queer, and so, in the gay village, which is mostly Francophone, people generally didn’t understand the concept of queer, which sounded so strange to me – I mean, sure, if you were talking about a language/culture barrier in another country, but so extreme between queer/gay people in the same city?

Maybe it’s the air that gave me this energy, or music in the restaurant, or the people speaking French at the table near us and that’s what made me think of Montréal, or even the steamed vegetables or just Randy’s company, he says wait have we gone to a restaurant before? Probably not, because I can’t eat anywhere. But then we leave the restaurant and I’m exhausted again, just like that or actually just before we leave the restaurant I’m putting on my coat and that’s when I realize I’m exhausted again. Sometimes it’s confusing when those windows open and close so fast, I mean I guess it’s better to have the windows because at least then I know everything’s not sealed shut.

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