Friday, January 02, 2009

My head, at least it opens now

Sometimes it’s so hard to figure out what helps and what hurts, of course I’ve written about this before but not yet today, waking up to Danny Tenaglia too dark for first thing in the morning but it’s one of those days when 5 pm is first thing in the morning at least outside it’s not dark yet, in New York I wouldn’t even have seen dusk. Anyway Danny Tenaglia is too dark for 5 pm like I’m still at a club or maybe that’s the darkness in my head, saline spray but does that dry out my nostrils do you see what I mean? I know this is the day when even the normal people we hear so much about might get up at 5 pm and think everything is too dark, but really, do we need to hear about these normal people when we already hear so much?

Maybe today I won’t take amino acids, it’s a good thing not to take supplements every day but I’ve taken amino acids every day for several months they help with hypoglycemia and sleep but today I feel calm at least until I start to get sad, sad from this darkness in my head so I think not today without amino acids what if I don’t sleep waking up at 5 pm is way way better than not sleeping. And then when I take the amino acids, six capsules in my hand, I feel like I’m taking a drug, I guess because I was trying not to take them but why? I mean they help. But then I’m worried that my dick is shrinking into my balls because of the amino acids, really I’m probably just noticing the way this organ changes shape so many times in every day but something made me suddenly pay attention to this phenomenon about a month ago it could’ve been just waking up in colder weather maybe I’m feeling more energy there because of desire maybe or maybe it’s the amino acids.

Okay, so the amino acids help, or at least I think they help.The ceramic knife helps, helps because it’s easier to chop vegetables but I’ve only had the ceramic knife for a few days. Putting away the toilet paper helps, because then it’s not sitting out in the hallway—it’s not a good decoration for the hallway. Walking backwards helps, that’s a technique from feldenkrais because then when you walk forwards there’s more of a bounce. I’m focusing on these small things, because it’s easier to see when small things help there’s not as much potential for blowback or backlash or whatever the word is that I’m looking for.

The feldenkrais practitioner in New York said it’s important to stop before the pain because otherwise it’s too late. Okay, I’m going to stretch – I’ll be right back. But then I’m on the dance floor, this is downstairs after I’ve been upstairs and then downstairs and upstairs and then downstairs and you get the point, downstairs is where the music is better but the crowd is all straight, I don’t know how exactly this formation occurred but there are a few exceptions, the best place is the balcony where you can hear the music from downstairs but you don’t have to stare at this guy posing for you and think is he, no he’s not, is he, until he grabs the girl who maybe he’s with, just to make sure, but this is later, you’re on the edge which is the place you like unless the center is bursting but here you’re giving the edge and the place where the pain starts is exactly the place where you finally feel like your body is working with the beat you can fall or fly the same thing so you figure maybe just a few more minutes, maybe?

It would be okay except for the smoke machine, you know and don’t know that – smoke machines, actually, since there’s one upstairs too where the air is so thick with ‘70s nostalgia and gay sweat but you like the back room which unfortunately isn’t a back room but it’s in the back, you like it because of everyone modeling their fashion it’s kind of festive because of new years and also because of this particular ‘70s revivalist club night, you didn’t realize they actually call themselves revivalists until you read the last announcement, which brought you here anyway. Anyway, the fashion – there was a point where you hated fashion more, even while studying it – there’s no reason to miss clocking someone’s look, okay, and today there’s a lot to clock, that’s for sure.

In the bathroom there’s this one particular glamour girl with hair like rolled sculpture I’m not sure what you call that style exactly but it’s popular with a certain kind of ‘50s Chicana femininity not sure if she’s Chicana but in that clubby place between genders with a blouse that’s all straps and what you like is that you both appreciate her look and you wouldn’t mind making out with her. There was that time when masculinity became so dominant in my attractions that it became disconcerting maybe that time has passed and later you tell her she looks gorgeous, of course you always would have said that, lady to lady, but by this point you’ve already seen her asking several people if they need anything and you’re not looking for that particular type of rush to your head, especially while running from room to room to avoid the smoke machines or hints of pot, downstairs is better because the doors are open but no one’s smoking outside, a smoking room upstairs with a glass door that somehow seems to work, of course you don’t go inside to find out how.

But the looks, whether it’s a faerie type of jester creature or beekeeper, or the ‘70s Castro clone look on 20-something fashionistas you’re especially staring at that one guy and what is it about stubble that turns you on now it never did before, or the person with the metal glamour dots all over one side of his face, another with maybe a sailor’s no captain’s cap and a lot of hair to study, that’s for sure, what you don’t like are the snotty glances that sometimes accompany the cruisiest stares, right before or right after and you’re thinking there’s a certain kind of injustice in a place like this that doesn’t provide a back room, I mean it’s not like the music is good enough for transcendence so we need that other kind of connection, okay? I mean we’d need it anyway, so when I’m leaving after remembering leave when I’m feeling good, right, when I’m feeling good, before the crash, and so downstairs they throw on something that’s right out of my danciest past it hints at the ‘70s but more in that early-‘90s way when the funk got integrated into the house and you grooved, for a second you remember Love Garage and the style-dyke club kids you used to see around, here there are no dykes except maybe one couple upstairs, but the point is the song yes the song you will let it accompany you in the coat check line.

I’m thinking the one thing really missing is that I didn’t make out with anyone, even on the dance floor when I tried to dance with someone they kind of acted like I wasn’t there, didn’t try it for long upstairs with the fags anyway because it was harder to avoid the smoke machine but downstairs it briefly got faggier on the sidelines it was still hard to dance with people in the way you mimic each others moves for a minute it worked with this couple doing the bounce into each other’s last step yes the bounce gave a certain clubbiness not exactly present here I mean present but not in the dancing and oh the glory of that surge in motion emotion it’s when my body really works. But just then someone on his way out hugs me and says happy new year, a kiss on the lips do I know him I can’t tell if we’re supposed to make out I hold his hand briefly and then he’s on his way, kind of cute maybe he’s the ballet dancer that went out with Derek a while back and he’s just saying bye or maybe he was cruising me earlier or now and he said at least I should that girl before I head home, anyway it’s lovely and I’m still in line, in line because the coat check here is very slow in spite of the three dollars per item, that’s six dollars for me with the purse but I figured it was okay since I didn’t pay to get in, the guest list I wasn’t on worked for me anyway so then six dollars, why not?

Anyway I’m waiting in line and someone’s smoking right in the entryway why not go outside I want to go up and say something but you never know how people will react, it gets me so angry either way so instead I’m doing feldenkrais movements, still waiting in line it hasn’t moved oh wait finally and then someone comes up to me and says how was your book tour?

Oh my book tour went really well – he’s cute really cute but I’m not sure how I know him until I realize he’s the guy who sent me a cruisy message on MySpace quite direct in saying let’s make out or even more yes there was more suggested I said yes yes but then I never heard from him again. Until now, and I realize he was one of the guys on the dance floor who I was trying to dance with but he was dancing with his maybe-boyfriend but it turns out friend, his first real friend in San Francisco standing here now I say should we make out? To both of them, before I figure out it’s his friend, not boyfriend or date or whatever, but then we do make out – the two of us and now the night is perfect, talking in between tongues and biting necks, mostly me biting his neck he asks me if I like polyester, the texture of his pants he doesn’t want me to rub his head too much his hair gets frizzy he’ll be out for a few more hours I like these details and his lips and the texture of his shirt and I think he asks me if I read people by feeling the textures I say no I read people right when I see them, and I laugh so it doesn’t sound shady but also just because it makes me laugh. Later he says something about all this flannel, more textures, I’m actually not sure it’s flannel but certainly that look that ‘70s realness who was it on the East Coast who said something about flannel and I thought really flannel I had thought about the masculine plaids but then all these flannel fashionistas hit me right in a row.

But really if there’s texture it’s the texture of his shirt and grabbing his head lower right by neck so I don’t mess up his hair so short I didn’t think it would get messed up grabbing his ass to pull him closer yes closer he’s rubbing my legs I even put his hand on my crotch as I’m getting hard why not but he and I like the two fags in line who are watching us then he asks me if I want to dance even though I’m on my way out and then we dance together I like it when I can focus entirely on another person’s movements even when it becomes awkward I notice he likes when I lean back into his arms for the fucking on the dance floor thing a bit cheesy but so sensual especially when I glance into the mirror to see his textures behind mine, the contrast of his black clothes against my pink his arms around me and of course I like making out again I could do this all night but he goes upstairs and I go outside to try to get a cab it’s a hard night to get a cab and then back home to listen to a feldenkrais cd for jaw and mouth I think it really helps right feldenkrais helps and then there’s bed, waking up for those wired moments I always resist looking at the clock I think that helps but then some days, when it’s 5 pm, I wonder. Probably I needed the sleep, or whatever it was, something like sleep except my head doesn’t open when I wake up there's Danny Tenaglia and then that's too dark so Claude VonStroke and the amino acids but still everything's dark until I realize there's just a little bit of the stronger dose of the homeopathic remedy that says may be needed as booster maybe now maybe now is when it will help and it does it opens me up to the world and my body more like I could swim in the air, maybe.

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