Monday, January 26, 2009

Shadows and longing

It’s 7 pm but it feels like midnight so maybe I’ll turn on midnight music the same as morning music but a different flow with the lights outside against dark sky, why is it that whenever I feel the worst at home is when I start dancing it’s because I have nothing else to lose. Oh, dancing -- it’s always everything that’s missing from my life in that moment until the pain, oh dancing oh dancing oh anything would be worth it just to get here to get here and just lose it to get here and to stay until dark sky becomes light even if just inside oh. So hard to find something that lets me escape, into and out of body, because everything leads in that one or two directions of pain and exhaustion. Today I bought a chandelier, something I’ve wanted for at least seven or eight years and I found one at this used furniture store that wasn’t too expensive except now I think wait, maybe it was too expensive maybe I shouldn’t be buying a chandelier but hopefully when I get someone to go over there with me and a box and then bring it back and hang it up then maybe I can escape into that light I don’t mind the light in my apartment as much until people come over and then it’s all shadows and I become self-conscious about how it might be accentuated my flaws. Now I’m always worrying about things like that and I wonder if that’s always been the case or if it’s something about aging and worrying more or it’s always been the case and it’s something about aging or worrying more. But shadows and longing, there are always shadows and longing.

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