Monday, February 16, 2009

Like usual again

I wish the shower could just be relaxing yes this hot water yes this hot water and cold air yes this hot water but then there’s always the chance it’ll just stop, just stop like that and then only cold air and that’s not relaxing. Let’s go back to the rain yes the rain the sound of rain the air but not while I’m in the shower. I want this other rain, warm calming my body but whenever I start to calm I wonder if this is the moment when the shower will stop, I mean the warm part. The manager says it’s the water pressure, but somehow the cold water pressure never seems to be a problem.

Then there’s my bed, never a problem by itself except there’s me, me in the bed and yes that can lead to problems. Lately I’ve started to think maybe I should get up at that point when I’m wired, that point when I always try not to get up, not to get up at all it’s just a delusion but then I push push push myself back to sleep and when I finally get up I feel awful anyway so I wonder if I would feel better just getting up earlier. Until today, when the wired part doesn’t happen until later almost late enough to get up except I can sense the falling apart already so I stay. Then I’m worried I stayed too long and then I sink into a soft dream about yes, Derek, but somehow the dreams are calmer then reality and then it fades to a woman with curly hair on a screen or maybe a silhouette and somehow that means it’s time to get up, now that I notice that I’m sleeping but then I start to get up and no, not yet, let’s just listen to the rain, and then there’s that moment of calm but I waited too long so I wait again and yes, here it is, and I stand up into the cold.

When it’s raining during the day I can walk further, further because the air isn’t as polluted or I think that’s why. Back at home, today’s a better day than usual that’s what I’m telling Gina but then as I’m telling her I realize I can hardly think I’m so exhausted, did I just get this exhausted or did I just realize? There’s always that tension between inside and outside, either it’s inside I’m falling outside I’m saying it’s fine or not saying it I don’t say I’m fine I say I’m a mess but still in public I have this need to keep it together or else why public? But at home, inside it’s okay and then outside? Wait, what’s going on? Because now there’s someone here, someone to communicate with, and I start to communicate, better than usual is what I say but then I feel like usual again.

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