Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Lostmissing #2



Lostmissing is a public art project -- please participate.

Here's what this new poster says:

I just reread the letter I sent you, the letter you told me you weren’t going to read. You probably read it. I don’t like that I have to guess about everything now, it makes me feel lonelier. You called me all angry and left me a message saying I was crossing your boundaries, the boundaries you were changing on the phone so that they were crossed. That was in September. We haven’t spoken since September, almost five months we haven’t spoken in five months and now I have to guess about everything.

I don’t have to guess about that letter. That letter is gorgeous. It’s so vulnerable and layered and open and honest and reading it again now it’s like I’m suddenly stunned again. I’m just stunned. I, I can’t believe you responded by deciding not to speak to me, I mean I’m only guessing that you’re not speaking to me since you haven’t replied to any of my messages. You haven’t told me that you’re not speaking to me, as if that moment of speech would be too much. As if I’m so dangerous to your new version of health or stability that you can’t even engage for one moment I’m not worth it. Not even a message on my phone when you know I’m sleeping and it’s off. I’m finding it hard to breathe, I’m just sitting here with this look on my face where my eyes stare out in frozen pain jaw locked breath stuck I can’t believe you read that letter, and this is where we’re left with this gap between us. I can’t believe you didn’t read that letter, and this is where you’re leaving me.

3 comments:

Keidy said...

It is shocking that you shared to him how much you care about him and he responds with a no talking rule.

davka said...

What's incredible is how easily I can relate to the text as if I had written it- ten years ago, yesterday. Yesterday to the love/friendship that went lost/missing ten years ago. It's still that... there- what's lost/missing.

How easily some people throw away something that took years to build, how our throw-away culture endorses this waste, how the throw-away-ers never learn to grow or keep the good and how you the brave one who wanted to fight for it, you are left with all these memories you can't even feel good about and have to retro-actively re-live as if it was all painful and not at a time quite beautiful. that is the hardest part for me. I think this poster belongs at the mouth of a garbage can where people can see it before they throw away their morning coffee. Or in a menu where they will read it before they eat what they aren't actually hungry for.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Keidy, and not even a rule, since he hasn't told me!

And Davka, this is gorgeous: "you are left with all these memories you can't even feel good about and have to retro-actively re-live as if it was all painful and not at a time quite beautiful. that is the hardest part for me."

And your beautiful opening paragraph. And the critique of consumerism, wow. Do you want to add this (or some of this) to one of the posters (maybe this one), in some form as your words added to mine (there's lots of space in the layout, or you/I could change that too...). Just let me know!

Oh, and as places for posters are perfect too -- if you get inspired...

Love --
mattilda