Saturday, February 07, 2009

Lostmissing #5

Lostmissing is a public art project -- I’d love it if you’d participate.

Here's what the lostmissing #5 says:

But of course you matter -- this project is about you, about us, about the world and what we want it to be. Are you still in present tense? What we wanted it to be. What I want it to be. So then in the dream when you’re listening I realize oh I still want you to listen I still want you to hear me.

I guess it was so shocking to me that here I was shaking and unable to speak shaking and unable to speak because of your anger, your anger the person who I’ve felt so safe with safer than with anyone so present in my body that’s what I’m missing now. But then there was your anger and my shaking, I went into the bathroom I closed my eyes for a second I could feel my head ready to shoot diagonally backwards into the air and I wondered about the difference between dissociating and staying present. I mean: is this what I’m feeling, or is this what it means to leave?

It’s so horrible to me that you were the one who left me there shaking, left me there with all the knowledge of what it meant, all the knowledge of my father’s rage my father’s violence in my body still and so I’m trying to separate that from you. I mean: it did feel violent the way you were treating me, the way you looked at me like if I looked away then you would pull out a gun and shoot me just then just like that or maybe just your hands you would know where to strangle and that was just because I was looking at you like a friend the friend I knew the friend I knew so well I wanted to see what you were feeling.

I don’t know what that shaking meant except that I was triggered in a way that I haven’t been in years, even now I think about sending you these posters as letters and then I think about your rage I think about whether you’ll attack me even if that doesn’t make sense I mean you don’t even want to speak to me let alone attack me, right? It’s just because I don’t know what’s going on, what’s going on with you there’s all this distance you’ve created. It’s so intense the way that kind of fear stays in my body, that kind of fear from so long ago and so I want to separate the part that isn’t you from the part that is you and you won’t even let me do that.

No comments: