Sunday, February 08, 2009

Lostmissing #6



Lostmissing is a public art project -- I’d love it if you’d participate.

Here's what lostmissing #6 says:

I didn’t even feel that fear when I went to visit my father, actually I stayed so present and that was what was incredible -- even with all that long-ago violence piled around me in the same rooms where it started, even with all those current-day attempts at suffocation I was still able to stand there sobbing and it felt so amazing because surviving childhood meant learning not to feel learning to hold it all in my body learning to look through them like I was looking at a wall there’s always a wall on the other side of two eyes a wall can be a destination. But there I was, sobbing and saying things I didn’t even dream I would ever want to say, maybe didn’t even dream I felt and still I was saying them because I felt them in that moment and he was going to die and I wanted to say everything.

You helped me to get to that place where I could stay present, even as they all stood around yelling or disappearing or yelling and disappearing. But then with you I didn’t cry, I could sense that you didn’t want to allow me the space we’ve created and it shut me down. Not like my father where I knew what I needed. That’s why I was shaking, I was holding all this grief in my body that distance like childhood it’s where I went to survive but now when I go there it’s like I didn’t.

2 comments:

gina said...

mattilda--

for me this is the most beautiful, my most favorite.
i just keep reading that last line over and over.

i love you--
gina

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Really? Darling that's so lovely to hear, makes me want to write more :)

Love --
mattilda