Thursday, February 05, 2009

Lostmissing on TV


Mark said...

If you were my friend and posted our personal business all over the internet and the streets I wouldn't talk to you either.

I understand loss and grief - too much so. But if someone does not want to have a relationship with you they have that right. It may feel like they owe you something, but they don't. They are not accountable to you for maintaining a relationship they don't feel they can or want to sustain. You certainly aren't being 'silenced' by them.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Mark, you are such a diva! Pretty much every comment you bestow upon me starts and ends with an insult, so my guess is that if I was your friend and I posted our personal business all over the internet, that wouldn't exactly be why you weren't talking to me :)

But just to clarify, I asked Derek at least five or six times over the years if he wanted me to change his name when writing about him (in or outside of the internet), and he said no no no! I ended up changing his name anyway, just because I realized I was censoring myself.

This project, however, is anonymous -- not to the readers of this blog, of course, or to friends I'm in direct contact with who know every detail about this particular drama anyway -- so there are maybe 10 people who I'm not in contact with who might catch who this is about, including, of course, Derek...

But as for accountability, of course I would never demand or even request that Derek remain in a relationship that he didn't want (with me, or anyone!). I'm not even sure that I want a relationship with him anymore, although I do mourn the loss.

What I know, however, with absolute clarity, is that this relationship of 16 years has been just as important to Derek as to me. Maybe that's not relevant, but it's what comes to my mind. What is relevant is that we built a relationship based on accountability and so yes, I do demand that he at least be accountable for his actions both in our relationship and in ending it. When I tried to ask for something as simple as him listening to me about resentments I hold, and he refused even that tiny request, and instead got enraged and decided not to speak to me (without even telling me, of course), yes yes I absolutely believe that he was silencing me and yes yes YES, this project is about expressing myself in the ways that feel important and connecting to people who also feel this loss, and their own.

Love --