Thursday, February 26, 2009

That beat

Usually I like to rush outside to experience daylight sometime before leaving the house for longer, but today I just don’t care. I mean I’m too exhausted. I’m leaving the house for feldenkrais around 6 pm anyway -- it will kind of be light then, right? These days I’m more sensitive to the sun it seems, sitting on the fire escape in 50-something degree weather at 4 pm the sun still feels oppressive, when it goes behind the fog and doesn’t stop the chill then it’s okay. I’m feeling worse and worse, that’s what I’m realizing today. What I realize on other days, but it’s hard to tell what means I feel terrible and what means I’m sinking further into something I can’t overcome. I didn’t even sleep badly last night, and today I feel so disoriented and overwhelmed, sinus bruises and my head the wrong kind of cloud more like a mop when it gets all straggly and you can’t get the grime to drain. It’s pretty outside, that’s what I see through my mop the sun filtering through the pollution blue-purple sky. I’m thinking about the way that sleep feels like the only way out but it’s not a way out, not a way out at all.

Earlier someone mentioned getting cocktails at some posh corporate bar with a view and I thought why on earth, I mean really why on earth? But then I realized oh, the view, and the things cocktails enable and I thought maybe I should drink cocktails. I guess it’s been eight years, I mean I don’t really have any desire to drink cocktails except at those sudden moments of alienation and distance like comfort. I don’t have a rule against it necessarily, I mean my rule is that if I eat something and I’m not hypoglycemic anymore, and then I think I oh, cocktails would be a good idea, then I can get cocktails. But once I eat something, I never want cocktails, so it sort of is a rule, but maybe it works better than something more clearly a rule. I mean the last thing I need is to feel worse, right? Worse from that wrong moment of escape.

There’s this incredible sense of invulnerability that comes from the best building knock-you-down clank bang boom bring it on hit me with it yes hit me with it it doesn’t matter nothing matters except that beat. Maybe that’s why people walk around with headphones glued to their ears, the only time I do that is when I’m on the train otherwise I always say I want to know what’s going on. Maybe something exciting will happen, although it rarely does. Or something horrifying, and I want to know that too -- I mean, it’s better to know when someone says die, faggot, isn’t it? But maybe I just need the surgery, permanent headphones over my ears it doesn’t mean you can’t turn them down it just means that whenever you need it you have that beat.


blogger23 said...

Oh yeah, I'm so there with the headphones, it's like the only way to survive the wild garishness of the city that ambulates like a snake churning down the concrete Amazon. That's what SF was to me, a wild, black, organic, industrial snake that you had to master maneuvering around, and if you did, then you had really made it successful in your life, and you were one more notch above surviving. Now that I'm in South Florida with a car, you don't get the headphone phenomenon like you do in SF, but sometimes having headphones permanently attached to your head would seem like the perfect idea to keep people from picking at you. This is one of my favorite entries.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Wow -- wild, black, organic, industrial snake!!!

And so glad you like the headphones idea... and the entry!

Love --