Sunday, March 22, 2009

Energy to rant

Waking up ready to rant about the bonuses the bonuses they act like the only thing wrong with shoveling every resource possible in the wrong direction is the bonuses, but then I’m cooking and everything feels edgy, I’m just waiting for the music to end so there won’t be any music, waiting for the beans to boil so I can get back in bed. I don’t even understand why I’m so exhausted -- I mean, I actually slept for at least eight hours in a row, that’s why I got up a bit early, but still after 10 hours in bed, and I’m a complete disaster. I mean, if I stay up any longer I’m just going to lose it, finally the beans are boiling so I close the lid and turn the heat off, wait first I’ll order my seaweed so that at least that’s done too.

Then in bed of course I’m wired until actually that fades and I do kind of fall asleep, wake up an hour later than usual instead of where I started an hour earlier but at least my food is almost ready. Why do I only feel good for a few hours, a few hours and it’s not even that good just okay just not demolished just able to focus just not particularly awful and then, and then of course I am demolished everything is awful I can’t focus at all I don’t even know what to do, answering emails browsing online gives me energy for 15 or 20 minutes until then there’s the pain and then I’m listening to a feldenkrais CD which calms me but why does my lower back hurt?

Yesterday I went to a sleep workshop and it actually felt kind of affirming to sit in a room with 35 other people who are struggling, mostly middle-aged women, and the facilitator was nice enough I mean at least he made jokes about how much he was trying to sell his system, and one of the middle-aged women liked my clothes a lot, the people who run the space were friendly and engaged and helpful also and when I woke up today I thought maybe that engagement helped, maybe I should go to more workshops, maybe I’ll meet interesting people. Now I just want to get back in bed; my body hurts again, so I guess I’ll turn the feldenkrais CD back on, maybe it won’t make everything hurt more at least it’s a different kind of hurt -- staring at the computer screen it’s the full body ache, lying on the mat the ache fades and then the pain is something more specific; one of the feldenkrais practitioners last night was telling me about a study where they poked people in six different places in the shoulder, maybe there were electrodes and when someone could distinguish between the six points, that’s when they could get better. She wanted to know how long I’ve had fibromyalgia -- nine years, nine years since the diagnosis. Something about seven years and all your cells are replaced -- that’s what they say, right? And I laugh, we laugh together. She says something about how when your body is always inflamed your cells are broken and your body makes new cells that are also broken; the awareness helps you to get out of that cycle. I wanted to talk to her about that more, but someone called her over and I ate a few more almonds from the table in the back, I was kind of surprised that I was digesting the almonds but then later on the bus it was like all the little pieces were still in my throat. Lately I’ve been feeling so awful that it’s like I’m fading away all day long until maybe an hour late at night but by then it’s time to fade so I’m glad for it or no not really glad unless there’s some kind of calm I’m always glad for the calm but I just want a day when I at least have enough energy to rant, to write a rant and feel like it doesn’t drain me even more.

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