Monday, March 16, 2009

Even if it's just this moment

Then there’s that moment of clarity I get in the middle of the night, in the middle of the night which is the day which is the night, after sleeping several hours and I wake up to piss and I think I oh, maybe this is the night when I’ll be okay. And then: maybe I’ve slept enough. But I resist looking at the clock, turn to the other side and then I realize no, I haven’t slept enough, but then I can’t fall back asleep and I keep thinking maybe, maybe I’ve slept enough or maybe I haven’t slept enough but I’ll feel better if I get up now, but what happens that makes me look at the clock and then a crash through anger wired anger at myself, why at myself I just wanted to know what time it was that’s not such a terrible thing the terrible thing is that I never feel rested but it’s not my fault that’s what I’m trying to tell myself even though at this point I’m more frantic thinking I’ve ruined the next day I hate it when the next day is ruined, how will I function if I don’t fall back asleep? But then eventually I do fall back asleep and that wired edginess is replaced with something like calm and when I take off the eye mask I don’t feel obliterated by the light it actually feels exciting and then I know yes, yes it was a good idea to go back to sleep, yes it was a good idea just for this moment of calm even if it’s just this moment.

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