Friday, March 06, 2009

Lostmissing #16

Lostmissing is a public art project -- I’d love it if you’d participate.

This one may look familiar because yes yes, it's #11 altered with the addition of someone else's story, to form #16 -- yay for all the layers!

Here's what the additional note says (you can also read a longer version in the comments on #11):

I really relate to lostmissing 11 --

One of my own friendships went lostmissing 7 years ago. She was someone I thought would one day attend my funeral or vice versa it had that type of permanence. For years my shoulder was her therapist, she cried on it so many times and often needed me to take care of her and it never bothered me because that's why they came up with the idea of a family of choice.

I usually preferred to fall apart in solitude, like the way you wrote that you feel like you have to look ok on the outside.

Seven years ago, my inside broke through and I was suddenly unable to function so of course I turned to this friend, family of choice and whatnot. The first time I literally needed her as in needing someone to maybe bring me some food or take me to a hospital or just sit in the room with me to remind me I wasn't dead, that kind of need, and she came over for a little while. Our friendship of many years ended the very next day via email.

Her email said I don't want your issues dragging me down and besides you've become so self-centered all of a sudden, so maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore. And that was that. Someone who had moved across the country just to be near me and a relationship I thought of as stability and permanence and it ended with an email. I would have been less shocked if Orion had emailed me to say I am so over this part of the universe so I am outta here, don't bother looking up at night because you won't see me there.

I never saw her again either.

Over the years the confusion anger and sadness subsided, and now I sometimes think about things we did together and how much fun I thought we were both having, I mean, I had a blast. I think about how she could make me laugh so hard even when I was secretly dead inside, or that sometimes I would get angry because it hurt to laugh that hard but she wouldn't stop it so I couldn't stop either and so I got pissed off...angrily laughing my ass off, which sounds impossible but I know it's real because I experienced it. I think.

So what you wrote about the memories that are supposed to be happy but are now just sadness and re-living moments as painful that were once beautiful really resonated with me. Just wanted to share that with you.

No comments: