Saturday, March 14, 2009

More hopeful places

My grandmother raises her hand and says what do you think of DC, I smile and say you already asked that question and she does that thing with her lips bunched up and her headshaking back and forth that means oh don’t answer, but now everyone else is here so I turn to the circle and say DC is a city under clampdown, I would never live in DC, but I guess you either love or hate the place you grew up and I hated it -- of course when you grow up somewhere you only have a limited frame of reference, but for me that frame is so filled with dread and loneliness and sure I still have dread and loneliness today but then it was a different type: the type with no windows.

My mother and I are taking my grandmother to the clinic, she’s never been to a clinic and I wonder if it’s because she’s trying to save money or if it’s because she doesn’t have any money. I go to the bathroom, when I return she’s filling out the paperwork and she smiles when the nurse says this visit will be $30. I still don’t know if that means she told the nurse that she doesn’t have any income, or if it’s because she doesn’t have any income.

Then I’m crawling through the streets on all fours, balancing two leg/arms to two leg/arms shifting head from side to side and making noise with my tongue I’m a little deer it’s for a performance piece kind of feels joyous and silly and childlike I didn’t do this when I was a kid and eventually I get to the theater in LA -- the hardest part is getting to the back with the other people pretending to be animals and eventually I’m crossing everyone’s laps of friendship up at the top, including my sister, and as I’m waking up I think wow that was a tiring dream, but also I like it when my body can take me to more hopeful places.

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