Thursday, March 26, 2009

The people who always have their lights on

I’m tempted to say that today I’ve made the most disgusting pot of beans ever, but of course they’re not ready yet. They could still get worse, although there is something interesting about all the beans mixing together in the bottom burnt then not burnt then burnt part, kind of like chocolate. I’m not going to get out of the house before dark today, and I don’t care. Yes, it’s one of those days when nothing matters because everything splatters. And so I’ll focus on things that are getting better, to distract me from everything that’s getting worse: I’m able to go on longer walks at night. I’m able to read 20 or 30 pages of a book at a time without hurting myself too much. That’s about all.

I just started a new homeopathic remedy -- sometimes everything gets worse right at the beginning, that’s how it works but I just hope it’s not my sleep fragile sleep that falls by the wayside even though it never feels like rest it’s so so much better to get in bed and know that I can go somewhere, for a while, for as long as possible, but then when as long as possible gets shorter not long enough like last night and that wired moment that felt like time to get up but then when I did get up I realized it was at that dangerous point for sure the wired moment I mean. When I got up it was dangerous too, so dangerous that talking on the phone I got overwhelmed and had to get back in bed again.

Usually I wake up with the blinds drawn, but when I wake up from getting back in bed I can see the sky fading to softness and somehow I feel softer too, especially when the blue night curtains above white lights and I watch the traffic on the highway way in the distance, I’ve never noticed before that I can see the cars curve around and exit into the city. I dreamed this sofa here just so I could sit and watch, but the truth is that this sofa isn’t comfortable so here I’m sitting on the ergonomic chair behind the sofa and what’s that flashing in the sky almost like a bug oh it must be helicopters again, competing with the reflection of the chandelier in the window panes and when I look lower there are the people who always have their lights on even when everyone else has their lights off.

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